Hand of John pens script for the Maradona revenge

The plot surrounds three North-East lads who, incensed by Diego Maradona's illegal goal in the 1986 World Cup finals, determine to travel to Argentina to separate the offending hand from its owner.

"It's definitely going ahead. As gritty northern humour it could be as big as The Full Monty," says Russell Gow, a partner in the production company.

Major stars like Peter Kay and Mark Benton are being talked of for starring roles; the egregious Argentine is likely to be played by a double.

Pre-production has already begun with a search for locations in the region. Backers and a distribution company are in place, filming is expected to start when the makers' present production - starring Penelope Cruz - is complete.

John, head of Coxhoe primary school near Durham and captain of Shildon Railway Cricket Club second team, had previously only written school pantomimes.

"These things just don't happen to people like me," says John, who lives in Shildon. "It's very exciting, I'm just trying hard to keep my feet on the ground.

"Even I've heard of Penelope Cruz, though I'm more of a James Stewart man myself."

To make life richer yet, he and his partner Val were married in Sorrento last Wednesday.

The inspiration for the film, he supposes, came in 1994 when he was watching another World Cup match involving Maradona with his son Andrew.

"There was a shot of him right up to the camera, screaming and yelling. I probably said something about knowing what I'd like to do with the camera and Andrew said someone should chop his hands off."

Seven years later - the idea still in his head - he mentioned it to Russell Gow, who had children at his school and suggested he immediately write a script.

"It only took three days, it just poured out," says John, presently sidelined with a back problem.

"It was brilliant, I just couldn't stop laughing. John's humour was exactly what we'd been looking for," says Russell, a partner with Henry Nixon - Hartlepool-born but Hollywood-based - in Jet Stream Films.

The film already under discussion, Henry was alerted to a road accident outside his California home, took coffee to one of the victims, fell subsequently into conversation and discovered that he was both a film company executive and a Tottenham Hotspur fan.

"He said he was looking for good football humour," says Russell. "Henry couldn't believe it, he told him he might have just the thing."

Homework for the headmaster, John completed seven script revisions before it was finally accepted - and with a crucial change at the pay-off.

"It's about these three guys, two of them Sunderland fans I think, who are down on their luck and drowning their sorrows when someone has the idea of taking revenge on Maradona.

"I had to change the bit about him losing his hand - Hollywood likes a happy ending. A lot of it is about things that have actually happened, or things I know about, just typical northern humour.

"There was one chap I know from Shildon who was a greeter at Asda, who forgot that his microphone was still on and started slagging off the customers. He was sacked on the spot; it makes a lovely scene."

The production company is now searching for North-East locations - "rough pubs and a graveyard," says John - and hopes to comes across some typically gloomy weather. John's told them to try the end of August.

Russell Gow is confident of box-office success - "He's a great headmaster and he's going to be a great scriptwriter" - John suddenly finds himself overflowing with other ideas.

"People in the film industry are already talking to me about a follow-up. Even sitting by the pool last week, ideas kept coming to me and I had to write them down."

The hand of God? "Mostly it's about getting lucky. Thanks to Diego Maradona, maybe I just did."

At Esh Winning on Friday night we bump into 67-year-old Joe Dumighan, recently much featured hereabouts.

Joe was the Langley Park lad and Sunderland Reserves centre forward whose two goals in a replay helped put Cornsay Park Albion - the titchiest of all minnows - out of the 1957-58 Durham Challenge Cup.

They'd drawn the first game at Cornsay, changing (as we noted) in the back room of the Royal Oak before walking down the road to the ground. Roker Park was altogether more commodious; Sunderland won 4-2.

Joe, now a Sunderland scout and well known local cricketer, never made the Sunderland first team but managed four League games - and one goal - in Darlington's inaugural fourth division season, 1958-59. Dickie Duckworth was manager.

At Esh Winning he was welcomed like the old friend he is. In Cornsay Colliery, he said, there's folk not speaking to him yet.

Thereafter to Tow Law Town, where Megaphone Mary Hail had completed her sponsored silence - hush money - just before we arrived.

Mary, 70, is a big noise on the Ironworks Road ground and for many miles around. When Premiership and former Northern League referee Mark Clattenburg gave a clubhouse talk-in, someone had the bright idea of sponsoring her to say nowt.

"I did 50 minutes," she announced, though by necessity immersing herself in a word-search magazine, as if truly lost for them.

Clattenburg, dashing off to Nottingham Forest for the following day's match, was suitably impressed. "Usually she's had a go at me within ten seconds," he said.

The admiration was mutual. "I'm sure he was very good, but if I'd not shut myself off I might have been tempted to have a go," said the magnificent Mary.

Simply by saying nowt, she has raised a much needed £300 for football club funds.

Preparing for the final of the revamped George Coates Cricket Trophy, at Stockton this Sunday, organising committee chairman Richard Thurston is hoping to have the cup re-engraved - but has been unable to discover who won in 2004. "Can your loyal readers help?" he asks. Every one a winner, we'll pass on information.

And Finally...

The only footballer to have won Premiership, Championship (as now it is), FA Cup, League Cup and Champions League medals (Backtrack, August 18) is Andy Cole, late of Newcastle United.

Bob Foster in Ferryhill today seeks the identity of the club which has scored the most goals in the top division - and the club which has conceded the most.

Giving nothing away, the column returns on Friday