The international break provides an opportunity to take stock of the opening two months of the season, so we thought we’d ask the managers of the North-East’s big three to assess how their club has done. However, we couldn’t get hold of them, so we had a guess at what they’d have said instead...

GORDON STRACHAN

“FIRST things first, I don’t want to do this interview. I know I’m not doing it anyway – someone’s making the words up for me – but I don’t want to do it, and neither does he. Just so that’s clear before we start.

“What would I rather be doing? Taking drugs and drinking at home of course.

Only joking...or am I?

“The start to the season?

Well it’s not been what we wanted. We all hoped we’d be higher up the league than we are, but there’s still a lot of games left and a lot of points to play for.

“To be honest, I was feeling down after the Pompey match, but I came into work next day and someone showed me some statistics from the game and they made me perk up.

Admittedly the game in question was five years ago, but hey, every little helps.

“Can I put my finger on what’s wrong? Stupid question. I can put my finger in lots of places, but it isn’t going to make Middlesbrough play any better.

“Have I signed too many Scottish players? Look, let’s clear this up once and for all. There are still loads and loads of Scots down here succeeding in England.

“Some people might point to the likes of Law, Dalglish and Hansen and say that Scotland’s glory days are over. I’d fire straight back Bannatyne, McIntyre, Connolly. Switch on your TV on an evening and you’ll see Scots all over the place.

“I’m still as confident as ever that things will come good. We just need the fans to stick with us and we can turn around.

“Anyway, that’s enough of this interviewing lark. My time is precious – and XFactor’s about to start.”

STEVE BRUCE

“THE start to the season, eh? Well for us, it’s all been about one man again.

Benty, eh? Wow. I mean seriously, wow. He’s been on fire again for us hasn’t he, that’s for sure.

“I know we lean on him a bit too much every now and then - not me personally lads, he’d probably fall over - but when he scores the kind of goals he’s been knocking in for us this season, you just take a step back and admire it. Then obviously say ‘Wow’.

“He’s been great, but he’s not the only one. The new lads have come in and done ever so well. I know we haven’t seen a lot of Gyan yet - but he’s getting there, and we’ve certainly heard him. The lad’s got a cracking set of lungs of him.

“I know we’ve only got eight points, but by God we’ve had to work for them.

Man City, Arsenal, Liverpool, Man United - we’ve been more than a match for all of them, that’s for sure.

“Any downsides? Well we have to come back to the issue of consistency don’t we? I was watching the Tory party conference the other day, and George Osbourne got applauded for taking people’s child benefit away. If Catts does that, it’s a yellow card.

Then on Strictly the other night, that Kara Tointon fell down and still got top marks. If Catts does that, he’s off. No second chance, no questions asked.

“That can’t be right, and you just hope his reputation is not going before him at the moment. He’s a smashing kid, and I just wish I could have a team full of Lee Cattermoles.

Mind you, I’m not sure who I’d play in goal...”

CHRIS HUGHTON

“RE the start to the season, it’s been what I’d call a decent start, without being exceptional. But I’d have taken it.

“Plus points? Well we’ve got a great group, and some great lads. In fact, you could say we’ve got a great group of lads. In fact, you could say we’ve got a great group of lads in every single interview and hope no one notices.

“But to be fair, they are lads, they are great and they’re a group. They’re a great group of lads. Oh, and did I mention that they’re generally found in the dressing room? No? Well they are. I’ve got a great group of lads in that dressing room.

“Re the specifics, I’d rather talk about the group as a whole. I’ve already done that? Okay then, well Andy’s obviously started well. It’s still early days though, and he’s still only one in a group. Of lads.

“It was a blow to lose Steve Harper and Steven Taylor, but hopefully they’ll be back soon to add a bit of depth to things.

“Last weekend’s injury to Hatem was obviously another massive blow, but Mike’s told me he’s written a strongly-worded letter about it. Hopefully, it’s to Jim’ll Fix It asking for another French winger.

“Either way, we’re going to have to get by without Hatem for a while, but re that situation, there are plenty of other players waiting for a chance and we’ve got a strong squad. In fact, you could probably say we’ve got a strong group.

“That’s the main thing to take away from this first two months – the strength of the group. It’s a great group, and it’s made up of lads.”