April 13, 2006

Venue: Soho Square.

In attendance: Brian Barwick (FA chief executive), Noel White (FA international committee chairman), Dave Richards (Premier League chairman), David Dein (Arsenal vice-chairman), Steve McClaren (Middlesbrough manager).

Brian: Good morning Steve. I'm sure you know why we're all here. Sven's going in the summer and we need someone to take England further than they've ever been before, and I'm not talking about a pre-season tour to Hong Kong. We've looked through your CV, but we'd like you to tell us what you think you would bring to the job.

Steve: Well, I'd bring Bill Beswick for a start. Sports psychologist you know - does wonderful things with the players. Just the other week, he made Jimmy-Floyd Hasselbaink think he was invisible for more than three-and-a-half hours. Imagine what he could do with the England boys. I tell you, give him an afternoon and he'd even convince Rio Ferdinand he was still an international-class centre-half. Wonderful talent.

Noel: Hmm, okay, but we were thinking more generally to be honest Steve. What are your managerial skills.

Steve: Well, man-management's a big thing of mine. Look at someone like Massimo Maccarone. At the start of the season he was moping around wondering if he was ever going to start a game for Middlesbrough. Now he's moping around knowing he's never going to. Remove the doubt and see what happens. He comes on, scores, and we're in the semi-finals of the UEFA Cup. Magnificent. Did I mention Europe? We're in the semi-finals of the UEFA Cup you know.

Dave: Yes we watched that game Steve. Fantastic performance. But, domestically, things have been a bit more of a concern haven't they. Season tickets thrown around, players rowing with fans in car parks, what do you put all of that down to?

Steve: We've been unlucky with injuries, Dave. Nobody likes to make excuses but you know how it is. One day you're motoring along okay, the next George Boateng's stubbed his toe, Franck Queudrue's knocked his ankle and you're 7-0 down at Highbury. Could have happened to anyone. Proved to be a blessing in disguise in the end though. It let me bring the kids in and look at them now. Seven Academy kids in the team that beat Manchester City a few days after we'd been at Basle. Ahh yes, Basle. Did I tell you we were in the semi-finals of the UEFA Cup?

David: I think you touched on it Steve, yes. Now, what about specifics? Let's pretend you're England boss and you're 1-0 down to Brazil in the quarter-finals of the World Cup. There's 20 minutes left and they've just gone down to ten men. What do you do?

Steve: Right, tricky. I think at that point, it's time to throw all caution to the wind. Take a risk, gamble it all, to hell with the consequences. It's all right keeping things tight at the back, but sometimes you have to put all of your eggs into one attacking basket.

David: So what does that actually mean in practice Steve?

Steve: I'd take off a defender for an attacker and go 5-3-2.

Brian: Interesting. Now the England manager's job obviously comes with massive responsibilities. You and your players are going to be in the newspapers every day.

So, what would you have done about the stories that have come out this weekend? Wayne Rooney and his gambling? Where do you stand on the issue of players drinking and betting?

Steve: Lifestyle's very important in the modern game Brian. If you're not right off the field, you're not going to be right on it. But you've got to remember I'll be coming from a club that has always prided itself on running an extremely tight ship. You wouldn't get Middlesbrough employing people who get up to things like that.

Brian: What, people like say Paul Gascoigne or Paul Merson?

Steve: Exactly. There's no place at the Riverside for those kind of antics.

Noel: Right, well I think we're just about ready to wind up here Steve. We've got another guy to interview in a minute - pass down the Northern Irish phrase book would you David - but, before that, is there anything you would like to ask us?

Steve: Well, to be honest, I'm a bit worried about this summer. I mean, if I get the job, I'll be going to the World Cup with Sven and it won't look very good if we get knocked out in the first round. I mean my picture will be plastered all over the papers next to a losing team.

Dave: Yes, we've thought about that Steve and it is a bit of a concern, but we've come up with a plan. If things aren't going well, storm into the dressing room, complain about the standard of the practice pitches and tell Sven he was a crap player and he's a crap manager. Then go back to England and walk your dogs.

Steve: Isn't that what Roy Keane did in the last World Cup? Look what happened to Ireland after that. They played quite well but lost on penalties.

Dave: Exactly Steve. Business as usual. That's what we like here at the FA, bear it in mind and you won't go far wrong. Now have a safe journey back and good luck for the rest of the season. Oh, and by the way, don't call us, we'll call you.