BORED at the thought of ‘Survival Sunday’? Play along with The Northern Echo’s spotter’s guide and see who gets the most points as the afternoon unfolds.

PRE-MATCH:

One point – Richard Keys launches Sky’s coverage with a sentence that includes the word ‘massive’ 16 times and the phrase ‘live and exclusive on Sky’ on six different occasions.

Two points – The TV cameras focus on a supporter with a phone. The commentator says, ‘This is a day when everyone will have an eye on what’s happening elsewhere’, even though the fan is only ordering a pizza for later on.

Three points – Jamie Redknapp takes one look at the Man United team and says, ‘Well if that’s a weakened team, I’d hate to see what a strong one looks like’.

Four points – Ricky Sbragia says “A point might not be the worst result in the world” in his pre-match interview.

FIRST HALF:

One point – The commentator says “Nicky Butt’s experience could be absolutely vital”, just as Butt hits a ten-yard pass straight into touch.

Two points – West Ham take the lead at Upton Park. “And that’s a hammer blow to Middlesbrough’s survival hopes”, says Setanta Sports.

Three points – The camera cuts to a group of Newcastle supporters with their tops off in the away end at Villa Park. While on screen, they are forced to duck to avoid a shot from Mark Viduka.

Four points – Hull boss Phil Brown is sent to the stands.

After much conjecture, referee Alan Wiley admits he dismissed him because his orange face was clashing with the strips of his players.

SECOND HALF:

One point – With Newcastle trailing on the hour mark, Michael Owen comes off the bench. “A big player for a big occasion,”

says the commentator.

Two minutes later, he is back down the tunnel on a stretcher.

Two points – Tony McMahon crosses from the right, and Tuncay Sanli, Marlon King, Jeremie Aliadiere, Marvin Emnes and Adam Johnson all miss the ball in the six-yard box. “On another day, that would have gone in,”

laments Gareth Southgate later.

Three points – Niall Quinn is pictured shaking Ellis Short’s hand in the directors’ box in a move that seems to say ‘The takeover is complete’. However, as the camera pans down, the fingers on Short’s other hand are shown to be crossed.

Four points – As the games enter stoppage time, the fate of all four sides hangs in the balance.

“This is why the Premier League is the greatest league in the world,” says Andy Gray, just as Bernard Mendy hoofs a 50- yard clearance into touch.

POST-MATCH:

One point – The camera focuses on a group of crying Newcastle fans. Newcastle are safe, but it’s obligatory for every Sky broadcast to finish with a picture of bubbling Geordies anyway.

Two points – Graeme Souness spends 15 minutes slating everyone involved at Newcastle. Interestingly, the words ‘Jean-Alain Boumsong’ and ‘Amdy Faye’ fail to feature in the discussion.

Three points – “I’m sure we’ll come back stronger if we can hold on to the majority of our better players,” says Gareth Southgate, as he is interviewed boarding the bus at Upton Park.

“You’d better do a detour,” he tells the driver. “We need to drop Stewart off at White Hart Lane”.

Four points – Back in the studio, Richard Keys and Andy Gray are wrapping up the day’s events. “It was a day when everyone went to Hull and back,” said Keys. “And it was brought to you in association with Viagra – the pill that allows everyone to stay up.”