On the Jedward stage

JEDWARD. There, I’ve said it. A word to strike fear in the hearts of musiclovers everywhere and provoke howls of anguish (a sound not dissimilar to their singing) from those who watched X Factor.

The Jedward stage is coming on over the hills and the terrible twins alight in Middlesbrough for an appearance at the student-friendly Ape club night at the historic Empire Theatre.

Comic legend Charlie Chaplin trod the boards when it was a music hall. Arctic Monkeys, Kaiser Chiefs and Scissor Sisters played there in more recent times. Even the great escapologist Houdini performed there – although some may wish Jedward do a disappearing trick instead of singing.

Geordie Joe McElderry may have won TV’s X Factor competition but he lost the fight for the Christmas number one to Rage Against The Machine and the publicity battle to a pair of Irish twins who can’t sing, can’t dance and whose interviews make babbling fellow contestant Stacey Solomon sound like Einstein.

I submit in evidence their answer when asked where they see themselves in ten years time. “We see ourselves as being a bit older,”

came the reply from John.

Or maybe it was Edward.

It’s difficult to tell them apart although, thanks to a guide produced by one national newspaper I know that Edward – the younger by ten minutes – has bushier eyebrows and better skin although the clearest giveaway is that John has a pointy right ear.

Spots or Spock-like ears, these two of a kind have arrived. A single name, Jedward, is proof or maybe just the invention of newspaper sub-editors fed up with trying to get the cumbersome John & Edward into a headline.

THEY attracted a roster of unlikely fans and not just X Factor spokesman who described them as “truly very sweet boys”.

Prime minister Gordon Brown wasn’t one of them and may have scuppered his chances of winning the next election by saying, in an interview, that John and Edward were very good.

Tory party leader David Cameron, who clearly knew what side his electoral bread is buttered, admitted he was “addicted” to the pair, which is the first time a politician’s admission to being an addict may do him some good.

Peaches Geldof said she wanted to marry Edward (doesn’t she know they’re inseparable?

She’d have to commit bigamy and take them as a job lot) while tennis star Andy Murray, Robbie Williams and Pixie Lott all said they were fans.

Then there’s enough Jed Jokes for a whole stand-up routine. Why do Jeward dance while they sing? – To get away from the noise. Or perhaps: how do you put a sparkle in Jedward’s eye? – Shine a torch in their ears.

You get the picture. They’re figures of fun for some... but will be laughing all the way to the bank. The twins are likely to become the second highest earners from this year’s finalists, with only winner Joe commanding more for an appearance.

In the months before X Factor Live tour – which reaches Newcastle Metro Radio Arena on March 10 – they’ve been warming up around the country making a series of promotional appearances at anything from £20,000 to £40,000 a time, depending on your source.

EASY as it is to mock the twins, there’s no escaping that thousands of people voted to keep them in X Factor.

Even if you take away those that did it just to spite Simon Cowell – although even he came round to liking them in the end – a sizeable number of viewers thought they deserved to stay in the competition.

X Factor judge Louis Walsh has signed them up to manage their careers if not their hairstyles.

He’s convinced they have a great career ahead of them. Only this week it was announced they were teaming up with Vanilla Ice to record a new version of his hit Ice Ice Baby, which they performed as a rap on X Factor.

The offers have been many and varied.

While the finalists were singing for their supper, Jedward were asked to play Hobbits in the new film from Lord Of The Rings director, Peter Jackson. They were lined up for I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here as the perfect pair to replace another perfect pair, Katie (Jordan) Price.

David Hasselhoff said he was a big fan (well, he’s used to seeing double) and wanted them to star in a film version of TV’s Baywatch.

Much as you criticise their singing, their dress sense or even, to be honest, their sense, there’s no denying the pair are entertaining in a strange sort of way.

THE fact they appear to be tone deaf and unable to hit the right notes doesn’t matter.

Put them at the centre of a high energy production number packed with flashing lights, smoky explosions and a troupe of gyrating dancers – and they are entertainers.

That’s why judge Cheryl Cole was prompted to call them her guilty pleasures. You know you shouldn’t watch but can’t help yourself, like at the scene of a motorway car pile-up.

Tonight in Middlesbrough, they’ll sing – I use the word advisedly – four songs and do a meet-and-greet with fans. Photographs will be taken, words exchanged (although possibly not understood due to a combination of excitement and Irish accents) and hopefully no bottles thrown as happened the other week at a club appearance in Barnsley.

Like it or not, Jedward are here to stay. At least, until the next X Factor phenomenon comes along.

Tickets for John and Edward’s appearance at the Ape Club at Middlesbrough Empire tonight, will be available at the door. Over-18s only (ID required), £6. Doors open 10pm.