Ice maiden

"REMEMBER,” I’m told. “Don’t tread on the white stuff.” Producer Heidi means the ice.

Keep to the black carpet, or I will be skating on thin ice.

She needn’t worry. I may be a guest judge on the tour of ITV’s hit show Dancing On Ice, as the production plays its second and final sell-out night at Newcastle MetroRadio Arena, but setting foot on the slippery stuff isn’t on my schedule.

Dancing On Ice is the show in which celebrities test their skating skills and the judging panel’s patience – a sort of colder Strictly Come Dancing in which people fall over more. The show is part of a successful format that has seen a hit TV programme become a brand, with spinoffs including a book, a DVD and a live show tour.

I arrive at the stage door to find two women and a child trying to persuade the security guard to pass a note requesting an autograph to actor Todd Carty. He proved to be the John Sargent of the 2009 series. So bad he was good and, as a result, an audience favourite.

All those years toiling away as Tucker in Grange Hill, HIV-affected Mark Fowler in East Enders and a bent copper in The Bill count for nought. All that people comment on is how useless he is on the ice.

He’s being paid to be bad in a comic turn for the stage show. He’s perfected the art of skating badly, looking as if he’s going to fall over at any moment.

I get ahead of myself. Former skaters Robin Cousins, Karen Barber and Nicky Slater are joined on the judging panel by West End singing star Ruthie Henshall, but there’s no Mr Nasty, Jason Gardiner. His place is filled by a guest judge each night.

I’m briefed on what’s expected of me and miked up and made up. Alarmingly, the makeup woman has to do it in the dark as the lights are off for technical reasons. I keep my fingers crossed I don’t look like I’m auditioning for The Black And White Minstrel Show.

We judges line up on the black mat and, as presenter Andi Peters introduces us one by one, walk on stage, give a little wave and sit at the judges’ table. I don’t so much feel like a pop star emerging to the cheers of the crowd, as a gladiator entering the arena, except I’m the one giving the thumbs up or down.

We sit conspicuously at one end of the skating rink, with the audience on the other three sides. It’s the best seat in the house.

Backstage you get an eyeful too, as halfnaked performers change into sequinned costumes.

Hair is primped and styled, glued in place by vast sprays of laquer. Cousins jives to the music sitting down. I don’t actually meet the other judges until we’re lined up waiting to make our entrance.

The audience has already seen all the skaters in an opening number and Olympic champions Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean perform their famous Bolero.

The pair are on my left side, ready to comment after each skating pair – one celeb, one professional skater – have performed.

The producers have done their utmost to make the stage show resemble the TV programme.

In the first half, ten couples – including past winners Kyran Bracken, Suzanne Shaw and current champion Ray Quinn – perform and we mark their routine.

Model and TV presenter Melinda Messenger opens the show and afterwards her ample bosom gives host Andi Peters ample scope for a double entendre-laden exchange with Christopher Dean. “Would you look at this lovely pair,” says Peters cheekily.

Nicky gives the first six points – the maximum – of the night to actor Chris Fountain, from Hollyoaks. Today was his last day on the C4 series and he’s been driven from the set in Chester to perform in Newcastle.

He’s very good. He’s followed by Todd Carty, who’s very bad, repeating that TV move when he “accidentally” skates off the rink and, after causing mayhem backstage, emerges with a feather boa round his neck.

I give him a six. This gets a big cheer, although some may consider it too generous.

Andi asks me to explain. I mutter something about the people demanding it. It gets a cheer and ensures safe passage after the show.

Andi asks if I’m a skating man myself. No, I tell him, I imagine I’d been rather like Todd should I get on the ice. “Make a note, book him for the next series,” says Andi.

The skaters pass before us in a blur. Roxanne Pallett, Kryan Bracken and ex-Blue Peter presenter Zoe Salmon, who gets a measly four from Nicky. He is booed by the audience.

Former champion Suzanne Shaw isn’t at her best. She is working with a new skating partner of five weeks standing (and falling, I shouldn’t be surprised).

The celebrities are increasingly competitive.

Sportsman Kryan Bracken seems keen to win.

Liberty X singer Jessica Taylor admits in her post-skate interview that she was gutted to get knocked out.

The best is saved for last. That was the plan.

But reigning champ Ray Quinn, whose past showbiz life includes child actor in Brookside and singing runner-up in The X Factor, is having a bad day. The audience gives him the loudest cheer, but the judges are harsh. I give him the benefit of the doubt and a six. I seem to be throwing top marks about like confetti.

At the end of part one, the scoreboard shows Chris and Kryan are leading. During the interval the audience vote for their favourites by phone or text. In part two, the skaters give us more routines before the top two, arrived at by combining judges’ and audience votes, are named and made to dance the Bolero.

Tonight, it’s Chris versus Ray. They both perform excellent versions of Bolero. I can’t decide which is best. My finger hovers over one (for Chris) and two (for Ray) on my personal electronic keyboard. In the end I opt for Chris. So do three of my fellow judges. He is the champion.

Official.

Ray looks gutted. He takes his skating very seriously. As I leave, he puts a sweaty hand on my shoulder and says: “Thanks.”

I feel guilty. “Sorry you lost,” I mutter, hoping he’s not going to pick me up and twirl me around his head as he does his skating partner.

“No worries,” he says, head down and dejected. The champion is down – after winning most of the skate-offs on the tour so far – but not, I suspect, out. I bet the mighty Quinn was back on top form in Birmingham the following night.