THE extraordinary scrap for survival in the Cabinet is beginning to resemble last weekend’s desperate fight to dodge the drop from the Premier League.

On the last day of the football season, no fewer than five teams were threatened with relegation, the miserable fate ultimately suffered by Blackpool and Birmingham.

Now, the drama at the base of the league table is mirrored by the intrigue around the Cabinet table, where five beleaguered ministers are wondering if banishment to the backbenches beckons.

Most threatened with relegation is the Liberal Democrat Energy Secretary Chris Huhne, the man at the centre of alleged transfer shenanigans.

Essex police quizzed Mr Huhne this week over very serious allegations – which he vehemently denies – that he asked his estranged wife to take speeding points on his behalf. Support at Westminster appears to be ebbing away.

Just down the table of doom sits Ken Clarke, the colourful Justice Secretary, at the centre of a nasty off-the-ball incident last week, when he suggested some rapes were less “serious”.

David Cameron rejected Labour calls for the veteran Tory to be sacked immediately, but did little to disguise his fury with Mr Clarke, whom he longs to be rid of.

The Sun newspaper wants him sacked – and it normally gets what it wants.

One thing his certain. The prime minister will not stomach his favourite tabloid branding his party “soft on crime”.

Then there’s Health Secretary Andrew Lansley, guilty of some appalling defensive howlers. With the Lib Dems now hell-bent on preventing a free market free-for-all, Mr Cameron must choose between his coalition partner and his former Tory HQ boss. Mr Lansley might even quit – if humiliated.

Don’t forget Vince Cable, the grumpy Business Secretary who foolishly “declared war”

on Rupert Murdoch to a couple of easy-onthe- eye undercover reporters.

The Lib Dem is now sent to the substitutes’ bench for any fixture involving media regulation, but continues to snipe from the sidelines.

Finally, remember Caroline Spelman, who scored a spectacular own goal by trying to flog off the nation’s prize forests and has been widely viewed as dead wood ever since.

I’ve reached five in the danger zone and I’m not including my bete noire, Communities Secretary Eric Pickles – whose political crimes are too well-known .

No wonder some are calling it the “Zombie Cabinet”! Every Tuesday, when the prime minister summons his team, we hacks gather to watch the living dead walking up Downing Street. It’ll be a miracle if Mr Cameron can achieve his aim of avoiding a reshuffle this summer.

AT the edge of the Commons chamber stands a statue of Sir Winston Churchill, the brass on the left boot rubbed away entirely – by MPs searching for oratorical inspiration as they enter.

I was reminded of this as I watched starstruck MPs, of all parties, pressing forward like pop band groupies to grab the hand of President Barack Obama as he left Westminster Hall yesterday, following his historic speech.

All I can say is that I expect something special the next time you rise to your feet on the green benches, Sir Stuart Bell, the MP for Middlesbrough.