IT’S not many years since TV documentaries were the best programmes of the week. You could turn to them with confidence for a bit of respite from the blaring trash that makes up the rest of the schedules.

Documentaries didn’t used to dumb down.

They were rather like the civilised local libraries, before these too became infested with gadgets, noise and barbarous oiks with their iPods. But now TV documentaries are unwatchable. Having observed the process of their manufacture at close range, I thought I would offer an outline of how the typical documentary comes to be made.

Jon is a writer. He phones his friend who is a producer at, as it might be, the BBC or Channel Four. Or, more likely, he is “executive production values controller for Stararse – an independent film company making programmes for The History Channel”.

Jon says: “Hello, Tarquin, I’ve got this great idea for making a documentary about an order of Trappist monks.”

Tarquin takes another gulp of his Latte: “Hi Jon – that’s really cool. I love it! Just refresh my memory – what are Trappist monks?

“They’re an enclosed order of religious who keep a perpetual vow of silence.”

“Of religious what?”

“Monks – just monks.”

“Cool! Cool! Let’s go for it. As it happens, we’ve got some budget at Stararse in our diversity and multicultural programmes unit.”

“I’m afraid it’s not exactly multicultural, Tarquin. The monks are all Christians.”

“No worries! No probs, mate! Hey – we don’t have to mention that.”

“But how?”

“In the intro we’ll flag up that the vow of silence is something all the religions go in for.

Now, what are the women like? Any lookers among ‘em?”

“Actually, they’re all men, Tarquin.”

“No probs! We’ll do it from the gay angle.”

“I don’t really know if any of them are…”

“Leave it with me. I’ll get that shrink – the one who did the sex series on Channel Four.

We’ll get him to do a voice-over – psychobabble about the sexual dynamics of single sex communities. If we can get the odd picture of these guys – do they wear hoods and long frocks and that? – holding hands, that’ll be great. These monks – do they make their own wine?”

“I don’t think so. Why?”

“Well, it’d make brilliant visuals to have a few holy Joes falling about, soused”

“I’ll find out”

“OK, Jon, how soon can you get on board a plane to the Chilean glacier?”

“Chile? But the monastery is in County Durham.”

“Yeah, but I’m thinking visuals.”

“Have you got anyone in mind for fronting the show, Jon?”

“As a matter of fact, yes. Don Watkins from Emmanuel College.”

“What’s he like?”

“Very bright. Terrific academic record.”

“Yeah! Great. I was thinking of asking Ariadne Gargoyle.”

“Is she an expert on monasticism?”

“Terrific knockers. Have you a title for the prog?”

“Professor Watkins thought The Aetiology of Restrictive Oral Practice in Religious Affect.”

“Nah! We need something really edgy.

“I was thinking, Shut Your Trap.”