Super-Annuated

IS it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s Super-Ann. Strictly Come Dancing finally abandoned any pretence to being a serious dance show as Ann Widdecombe took to the skies to perform a tango.

She began the number suspended over the audience like a zeppelin and then plummeted down to earth and into the arms of professional partner Anton Du Beke.

It earned comments about dancing hippos from judge Craig Revel Horwood, while Widdecombe herself muttered about being the replacement for the decommissioned Ark Royal.

This was entertaining in a mad sort of way, but had little to do with the business of dancing. Amazingly, they didn’t finish in the bottom slot. That went to former England goalkeeper Peter Shilton and partner Erin Boag for a charleston so lacklustre it could have done with a flying sequence to give it a lift.

And come decision time Shilton’s performance as a “penguin stuck in the mud” saw him voted out of the competition.

The judges are struggling to find anything new to say with the usual phrases “best dance I’ve seen this series” and “need more passion and attack” tripping from their tongues rather more easily that rugby player Gavin Henson doing the tango.

The X Factor too is sounding like a repeat of a repeat. How many times have we heard someone told, “You are the perfect pop star” or “You’ve got the whole package”.

This was very much Cheryl Cole’s weekend. Two editions of The X Factor and a grilling from Piers Morgan, the man I most want to turn off, on Piers Morgan’s Life Stories. There she was, even in the commercials.

She duly sniffled and snuffled through the interview (so would I if I had to to sit opposite Morgan for an hour) and, as the tabloids would say, opened up her heart.

More accurately, she gave away precisely what she wanted to give away and not a word more.

“God, this is turning into therapy,” she said, dabbing her eyes for the umpteenth time. What else did she expect from the series that exists to persuade celebrities to talk about things they prefer to keep private.

Never mind, it was all right in the end “I’m ready to get back to meself,” said Cheryl enigmatically. She was also ready to plug her new song last night on The X Factor results show.

Nobody flew on stage as the 12 finalists performed, although some of the numbers were over the top to say the least.

In an attempt to foster bitterness among the judges to add to the alleged frostiness between Louis and Cheryl, Simon compared “distracting” dancers behind one of Louis’s acts to watching dogs mate.

The judges are determined to find other things, apart from the vocal performances, on which to comment. Simon’s new-found fashion sense led him to tell Paije that “I didn’t like what you were wearing”.

We also learnt that The Jungle Book is one of his favourite films of all time – thanks to Katie singing I’m The King Of The Swingers.

And then there was Wagner, the Ann Widdecombe of The X Factor. “I don’t know what to say,” said Cheryl, in one of her few non-sniffy moments of the weekend.

I do know what to say about Wagner, but it’s not allowed in a family newspaper.

Cheryl really had cause to cry because one of her acts, Trecy Cohen, ended up in the bottom two and singing for survival.

“He’s not the best singer, but he’s different and entertaining,” declared Louis.

By why should we take any notice of of him – he can’t even pronounce his artist’s name correctly.

“It’s Vag-ner not Wag-ner,” he was told yet again by host Dermot O’Leary.

Perhaps, next week, Louis will get it right as Wagner lived to sing (I use the word advisedly) again. At least, he’ll have one fewer name to remember – one of his acts, John Adeleye, was voted off.

■ Last dance: Peter Shilton and Erin Boag.

■ Ex-X Factor: John Adeleye.