Private Parts (Five): This was a programme I watched with my legs crossed and my eyes closed during the scenes of surgery.

When I reveal that the sub-title was The Trouble With My Penis, you'll understand my anxiety.

While BBC1 sent Richard Hammond in search of the holy grail and ITV1 launched yet another celebrity reality show, Five went rummaging around in a pair of grubby Y-fronts.

The pre-credits come-on summed up what was in store as a man described "a brown stump with blood and bits hanging off it, like it had been hacked".

This was followed by a scan of a foetus doing ... surely not, but yes as the sexy female narrrator informed us, "As early as 12 weeks after conception this male foetus was seen playing with himself".

Medical opinion on the subject in hand was hardly complicated, referring to as an easily accessible external organ "close at hand and men either wish to think about it, play with it, or fiddle with it".

A pity the makers didn't find a title to reflect the approach. ITV would have called it The Penises From Hell, although BBC4 offers the intriguingly entitled Every Prime Minister Needs A Willie tonight. This turns out to be about deputy prime ministers with special reference to Willie Whitelaw.

Private Parts investigated medical mishaps, public exposure and revenge acts on the poor thing. During the course of an hour, we saw more members than you would find during a crucial House of Commons vote.

Highlighting the dangers of piercing - two-thirds of men who have genital piercing experience problems - was an excuse for scenes of surgery that could put you off sausages for life. Mike relayed how hopping out of his boxers too enthusiastically led to his piercing being ripped out. He needed three operations over two years.

Never mind Rooney's foot, the list of possible penile injuries was enough to make you feel queasy - snapped ligaments ("a frighteningly bloody injury") and penile fracture, with a warning that just rolling over in bed is enough to cause it.

And getting your jogging bottoms tangled in a cement mixer doesn't bear thinking about. Happily, surgeons stitched builder Danny Brookes together again and he has since fathered another child.

Paul Davey's problem is that circumcision left him with virtually no sensation in his penis. It can take him up to eight hours to achieve an orgasm. Women have found it difficult to keep up, something that's not a problem for him.

Norwegian Tommy Ellingsen belongs to an "erotic environmental group" and used his organ to protest. I'm unclear how having naked sex on stage in public during a rock concert helps make the planet a better place. I doubt David Attenborough will be following his example during the BBC1's current Climate Change season.

Tommy was charged with indecent behaviour. Matt Steinbrunner's punishment for cheating on his girlfriend was harsher. She took her revenge when, during an intimate sexual act, she produced a bottle of glue from her bra and glued his penis to his stomach.

I bet he winces every time a girl tells him, "I'm stuck on you".