Vyle bodies

CAPTIONS on screen: I Love My Mum But She Dresses Like a Whore. I Want A Vagina But Can't Kick Crack. My Son Calls The Wrong Man Daddy. Devotees of daytime TV will know where we're at - the confessional talk show where private grievances are aired very publicly for the entertainment and enjoyment of the more fortunate.

The recent ticking off for The Jeremy Kyle Show for a headbutting incident highlighted these shows thrive on conflict; emotional, verbal and sometimes physical.

In the ever-present battle for ratings, these shows become more extreme. So sending them up seems impossible, even if the series is written by AbFab's Jennifer Saunders and clinical psychologist Dr Tanya Byron.

Then you watch The Vivienne Vyle Show - where the captions mentioned above come from - and see that they probably thought the same thing. The clue is in the term "comedy drama" attached to the series. It's one of those schizophrenic shows that can't make up its mind what to be.

There is much taking the mickey out of the ridiculousness and irresponsibility of such shows, but deep down this wants to be a serious drama about a talk show host, Vivienne Vyle (played by Saunders), as mixed up and unhappy as any of those who appear on her show.

Rarely has a character been so aptly named. Vyle by name, vile by nature. She abuses work colleagues, programme guests and her partner with equal vigour.

How I sympathise with guest Gary's reaction after discovering live on air that he's not the daddy. "No DNA match, Gary, that's a shock result," she taunts him. No wonder he tries to strangle her and she ends up with a fat security man sitting on her face after he falls off the stage and lands on top of her.

Vivienne wants a baby which, with her as a mother, would surely end up as a victim on her programme. "I need something to love me," she says. Then be a nicer person, you long to scream at her.

The sperm bank wants to know whether to keep her late husband's sperm frozen or defrost it. Partner Jared knows exactly what he'd do: "I've always said we should sell to needy lesbians on eBay".

Perhaps more than a baby, she'd like to be discovered by the Americans? The O-word - as in Oprah - provokes fresh bile from Vyle. "We'd all like to sit in a condom of cashmere and hand out Ralph Lauren vouchers to the poor and needy," she says.

If you thought AbFab went over the top, you should see Miranda Richardson as Vyle's producer. She overplays and rushes around like a lunatic, yet remains totally unfunny.

We leave Vivienne promoting a week about knives on her show. "Do you carry one? Have you ever witnessed or been affected by a stabbing? Do you cut yourself for sexual pleasure? Or have you ever tried to amputate a limb?" she asks.

I decided to check out The Jeremy Kyle Show to see if Saunders and Byron were being unfair. On the evidence of yesterday morning's show, they're being generous.

"You stopped me aborting my baby, let's be a family again" was the tagline for the story of 18-year-old Lyndsay, who wants to win back her ex, Jason.

They've been together since she was 11 and he was 15. They've fallen out because she's slept with two of his friends and has a three-month-old baby by another man.

As Kyle cross-examines Lyndsay, the screen cuts to a shot of Jason on something called Reaction Cam. We also see the audience sitting there with mouths open in disbelief at the revelations.

Kyle also throws a lifeline to distressed viewers. If you're desperate to get back your ex, runs an on-screen caption, Jeremy wants to hear from you. Don't do it, I say. You'd be better off talking to Vivienne Vyle.