Wearing thin

Tonight's show, What Not To Wear, features 50 single men who want a girlfriend. One is a 40-year-old who has Nicole Kidman photos hanging round his house. Another spends most of his life on the internet. Another chats girls up by, literally, trying to hypnotise them.

Somehow, I don't think clothes are the problem.

But Lisa Butcher, who's a model, and Mica Paris, who's a singer, disagree. They reckon this set of misfits will be cured by a pair of pinstripe trousers and a scarf. We'll see.

The 50 are whittled down to five, who are then interviewed by Lisa Butcher. Or as she would prefer to be known, Sigmund Freud.

She spurts pseudo-psychology like a 19-year-old undergraduate after one too many reefers. So when Tim - a 36-year-old virgin - reveals his dad died 28 years ago, Lisa pounces.

"Have you ever felt love?" she asks, idiotically. "Do you think there's an element of not wanting to get close to someone in case you lose them again?"

Tim wore an all-in-one yellow cycling suit to the interview. If he's not getting close to people, I don't think it's his choice.

Lisa also spouts this tripe to other contestants. "Do you feel worthy of love?" she asks one. Another bloke turns up in a T-shirt too big. "He's emotionally shut down," she decides.

Get back to the catwalk, love, and leave the psychology to the students.

Lisa and Mica eventually pick two men to benefit from their rubbish - I mean, advice.

Dre is a 30-year-old from Portsmouth. He tells Mica he wants to enter a bar and be "the cock of the walk". Keep going, son. You're half way there.

He is one of these blokes who insist on wearing T-shirts with slogans. You know, hilarious stuff like: "Work is the curse of the drinking classes". Oh, you crazy drunken jester.

Anyway, Dre's favourite is: "Inflatable man: Blow here," with a downwards arrow. And for some reason, this charmer can't find a bird.

The other man to get the Freud and Paris treatment is Stuart, he who adores Nicole Kidman. He's 40, grey, fat, and a scientific researcher. Not quite Tom Cruise. Yet, despite this, Stuart's main problem is his family. Honestly. The crew go to see his mum, and ask why Stu is single.

Now, if I was ever 40 and single, my mum - I hope - would say I was choosy. Unlucky. Just waiting for the right girl. Not Stu's mum.

"He's single probably because he's five foot four," she says. But it doesn't end there.

"He's put on a lot of weight, and he's gone grey very prematurely."

His Dad isn't any better.

"I'm looking forward to the day he brings someone back," he says, wiping a tear away. "Because I haven't got much longer."

So Stuart. You're short, fat, bald, and grey, and if you don't pull son your dad will die miserable. Things could be worse mate - I'm sure - but I don't know how.

My answer would be to emigrate. Lisa's answer is pinstripes. Apparently, they will elongate his legs. The only thing that's going to elongate his legs is a month hanging upside down from a doorframe.

Finally, Stuart gets a suit, which, in fairness, looks good. And only £950. So Lisa and Mica, the telly experts, have discovered spending a grand on a tailored suit from Savile Row will make a man look better. Maybe I could present the next series.

Dre ends this ridiculous, self-important show by looking wistful and declaring: "If you want to get anywhere, you have to come into it knowing you have a problem."

Listen, Inflatable Man, this is a clothes show, not Alcoholics Anonymous. Anyway, pick your chin up and be glad you don't have Stuart's parents.