Wild life

THE promise was that if we stayed up into the wee hours of the morning we would see something a "little scurrilous, a little naughty". And for a brief, happy moment it looked like that might happen.

There were Springwatch presenters Bill Oddie and Kate Humble sleeping together. Before their partners instigate divorce proceedings, I should explain it was only make-believe for the cameras.

There they were, snuggled beneath a blanket - separate blankets, I should say - with their sleeping caps on. They'd done their bit earlier in the evening in Springwatch, the BBC's wildlife diary. Now it was time for bed because the badgers had refused to sign their contract and come out after dark until producers promised that Bill and Kate wouldn't be appearing in Springwatch Lateshift.

Now it was up to the nocturnal wildlife to entertain us through the night on Springwatch Lateshift, which continues next Monday to Thursday.

Immediately, I spotted a couple of birds jumping up and down, running around and screeching uncontrollably. Welcome to Big Brother Live which, with its all-girl housemates, resembles one of those soft porn films that five got a reputation for showing in its early days.

The two animated birds in pink nighties were twins Sam and Amanda. They had a lot of energy considering it's two or three in the morning. Back at "the show that delves deeper into the dark than ever before" - that's Springwatch Lateshift - the badgers were coming out to play.

Bill and Kate had gone to bed (separately, I'd better reiterate), leaving viewers to get information and comments from captions scrolling across the bottom of the screen.

Here come the badgers. "Welcome guys, you're on live TV," reads the caption. There is much playful romping which, we're informed, helps strengthen social bonds and is also a lot of fun.

The newly-arrived housemates are bonding too. They're talking about hair, shampoo and fire drills. "We're going to have a lovely time and plenty of time to get to know each other," says Lesley, who is 60 and will surely be driven insane by the incessant babble and girlie screaming of the younger ones. I know I am already and they've only been in there five minutes.

Hasn't Lesley read the rules? Having a lovely time is not one of the aims that Big Brother has on his devious mind. The idea is for everyone to have a miserable time and start behaving badly towards one another.

"You're mad, completely mad," said Lesley as the twins ran round and round the room, leaping from chair to chair. At least we agree on one thing.

I certainly don't envy the male housemate who is, Davinia has informed us, going to join them tonight. He doesn't stand a chance, unless he enjoys running about in a pink nightie in the early hours of the morning.

The wildlife over on the other side, the owls and badgers, are much quieter, although some birdlife on this season's Springwatch is showing cannabalistic tendencies.

The weak babies get eaten by the rest of the family. "Big brother eating little brother won't happen anywhere else," states a caption. I wouldn't be so sure as the makers of Big Brother 8 need to do something drastic to get good ratings and make up for the Celebrity Big Brother debacle.

The language of the new intake certainly seems milder. "I'm going to wee-wee," announced one housemate politely.

There seems a lack of rebelliousness too. "I'm tempted to pull on that door to see if it's locked" is the closest to rule-breaking they've come.

When the going gets boring, Springwatch Lateshift can at least cut to ones they made earlier. Like a replay of the clip of Tarzan the badger falling off a branch, which is almost as funny as The Apprentice's Simon assembling and trying out a mini-trampoline. And yes, Sir Alan, he should have been fired, not Hermoine.