THE controversial Home Information Packs, which have been temporarily put on hold, are meant to tell you about the house you're buying. But, valuable though it may be to know about radiators and insulation and boiler efficiency, let's face it, what we really want to know is what's it going to be like to live there.
So does next door have teenagers who play loud music at all hours? Do they have half a dozen dogs who howl at dawn? Babies who scream? Children who kick balls into your greenhouse? Maybe there's a passionate gardener given to smoky bonfires on sunny sun-bathing days. Or a gossip who never lets you go down the garden path without engaging you in tedious conversation over the hedge.
Neighbours who have huge ding dong arguments can be good entertainment. But then there's that worrying moment when there's a sudden silence and you wonder if you should go and investigate.
The sound of one shoe falling is the bane of people living in the flat below - they tense up waiting for the second one to follow. But then there's the car that never starts first time - especially very early in the morning. You hear the footsteps, the key in the lock and the inevitable moment when the car splutters and dies, again and again and probably again.
And our neighbours once bought us a can of oil for our wardrobe, because they could hear it squeak open every morning.
Party animals are always tricky to live next door to - unless you're invited every time. On the other hand, my sister once lived next door to some fervent Christians. We would be lounging round the garden knocking back the wine, when from over the hedge would come the stalwart and rebuking tones of Will Your Anchor Hold? played on an electronic organ in next door's shed.
You might like things perfect and peaceful. You might like not to have to live up to other people's standards. Either way, the chances are that you won't know what you've got until you've moved in and it's too late.
People who've trained to be home inspectors are now worried in case they might be out of a job before they've even begun. With just a little lateral thinking, they could be in at the beginning of a whole new industry.
After all, you can always upgrade the radiators, but improving the neighbours might prove a little trickier.
MICK Jagger's 63 and still strutting his stuff. Sting, 55, is apparently wowing them at the start of his tour, the Queen and Prince Philip, into their 80s, are still meeting and greeting and travelling the world, and the latest pop phenomena is The Zimmers - oldest member 102, lead singer 90. Meanwhile, Paul Newman has finally announced his retirement at 82.
Yes, I know it's great that everyone keeps going longer, that old age is old hat. Great inspiration for us coming along close behind.
On the other hand, it's all a bit relentless and exhausting. Sometimes, just sometimes, it would be nice to think that one day we could eventually sit down, put our feet up and do absolutely nothing. Maybe in another 50 years or so.
MUCH has been made of the fairness or otherwise of Britain's biggest divorce settlement. Beverley Charman has won £48m from her former husband after 27 years of marriage. Which should ease the pain a little, as well as funding an awful lot of dinners for one.
What's worrying me even more than the way the super rich divvy up the assets, is how they got that money in the first place. During the marriage, John Charman, starting from nothing, built up a fortune of over £131m in the insurance industry.
And you wonder why your premiums keep going up.
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