HAVING become old and well-stricken in years, I thought I might read an article in that famous woman’s magazine The Daily Telegraph about how to continue to enjoy a good sex life when you’re getting on.

It turned out the article was talking about the over-40s. The 40s? I look back on those years as on blissful youth. Never mind, I persevered.

And so I learned that if you want to remain sexually active, the paper said, you should eat a healthy diet with plenty of fruit and vegetables. Exercise regularly. Don’t get fat and avoid diabetes. Gerraway!

Forget sex, you should surely do all those things if your ambition rises no higher than a stroll to the pub for the odd game of darts and to come back to sit on the sofa and watch old episodes of Inspector Morse. What could any possible alternative advice say? “Eat exclusively burgers and pizzas. Get as fat as you can. Do no exercise and try your best to get diabetes.”

Quibbles aside, there was good news: “More than half of men and a third of women are still sexually active after the age of 70.”

I found that very encouraging but my maths is not so brilliant, and so it looks to me as if some of these septuagenarian girls must have more than one lad in tow. I put it down to the fruit and veg.

I mustn’t be too rude about the Telegraph article for I’m sure the writer was trying to be helpful. But there was the hint of the schoolmaster here and there, urging us to try. And if at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.

The important thing, the article said, was to “get started.” This, I’m afraid, only revived memories of the old days and my clapped-out Ford Anglia and of how I used to get someone to push it down the slope in the hope of a jump-start. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “sex drive” eh?

You can get someone to give you a push, as it were: “Prescriptions for Viagra had risen to a staggering three million by 2014.” I paused to wonder at the function of the word “staggering” in that sentence.”

But don’t knock it Mullen – there is more good news: “Drink red wine.” Well, I’ve never had any trouble managing to do that!

“As you get older, libido becomes a bit like the stock market. It’s up and down from day to day.” So I’ve noticed! But in places the advice was not at all encouraging and in fact bordered on the incredible and the distinctly unfeasible: “”Periods of cardiovascular exercise can also help. A study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 20 minute bursts of exercise performed five to 15 minutes before sex can be beneficial.” He must be joking. Five or 15 minutes after bursts of exercise and I still haven’t got my breath back.

A sexologist gave a lecture to old geezers in the village hall and at the end he asked them how often they had sex. A sad-faced chap at the front said: “Oh these days only once a month.” A man further back, with a tragically miserable expression, said: “I’m afraid with me it’s only once every couple of months or so.” Then the lecturer noticed a bloke in his eighties rolling about with laughter. So he asked him the question.

“Once a year!” chortled the old man. “So what are you so happy about?”

“It’s tonight!”