Deperate to be big in Japan

THERE can be few sights more frightening than seeing Sumo Steve jumping around wearing nothing but one of those nappy-type thongs worn by sumo wrestlers.

It made the large ladies grappling in the ring look positively elegant and Twiggy-like.

These would-be sumo champions will never be asked to strut their stuff on the catwalk (probably because it would collapse under their weight) but there's a certain poetry in watching this type of fleshy girl-on-girl action.

Strictly Lady Sumo followed large lasses trying out for the first ladies team from this country to compete in the world sumo championships.

They are, as narrator Dawn French pointed out, more used to being seen as fat than feminine but were eager for the chance to be big in Japan. Eventually, the documentary, like this column, stopped making jokes about size to show a bunch of women determined to achieve something.

They included Sharran ("28 stone and hungry"), wrestler Klondike Kate, youth worker Adele Jones and grandmother and fitness instructor Big Jackie Bates. Only one of them had ever been inside a sumo ring before, so instructor sumo Steve had his work cut out although he seemed to enjoy screaming and shouting at them.

Four of them were chosen to represent GB in the championships, where meat processing plant worker Rebecca Williams - known as Pink - had a Brazilian. Her opponent was from the country where the nuts come from, while Adele got to grips with "a big Dutch woman with a lot more experience".

Those canny crime scene investigators returned with a fresh series of CSI but seemed a little out of sorts. The first two episodes seemed a bit tired, perhaps because the screen is full of CSI repeats and its various cloned series.

Personal relationships extended little further than Grissom giving Sara a veggie burger. Catherine woke up naked in a motel room and had to go around asking, "Did you see me last night? Who was I with? Describe him."

Corpses include a woman crushed by the stage mechanism at a Cirque du Soleil show. Does that make her a dead cirque? The CSI team concluded she was dead before her body was crushed, which was little comfort to the women herself.

Wild Caribbean purported to show how the wildlife residents of Caribbean islands survive the hurricane season but seemed more intent on endless shots of heaving waves and wind-blown trees.

The facts, as presented in Hurricane Hell, don't sound good. In 2005, there were 15 hurricanes. One storm in Grand Cayman wiped out more than 80 per cent of the turtle eggs. Lobsters living around coral reefs are particularly vulnerable as the effect of a hurricane underwater is like a bomb exploding over and over again.

On land, the Puerto Rican parrot has gone to the brink of extinction. Just three breeding pairs were left after Hurricane Hugo.

The Vagina Monologues, Newcastle Theatre Royal

WHAT better way for a one-role TV actress to lose her stage acting virginity? A cult stage show aimed almost exclusively at women, three stools on stage, the script on cards and the delicious prospect of wrapping your tongue around the 'dirty' words linked to female sexuality. So ex-EastEnder Natalie Cassidy finally moves on from Sonia Fowler after 13 years on TV and cautiously becomes the first of the trio of performers on stage to mention vagina. She stumbles a little nervously through the monologue based on the question "If my vagina got dressed what would it wear?" Glasses and a welcome mat are two of the selections.

The 23-year-old sits back as Green, Green Grass TV star Sue Holderness and stroppy stand-up Rhona Cameron liven up some of the stories collected by Eve Ensler, which became this controversial stage show in 1996. Controversial? Well some women around me voice disquiet when Cassidy produces a monologue based on reclaiming the C-word as a virtue rather than an insult... and a tiny minority leave. Unabashed, so to speak, Cassidy tries out a Bosnian accent about a wartime rape victim and throws the odd piece of US slang at us as the trio try out the many nicknames available.

The presence of men is dubbed 'brave' and there's a round of applause. But let's not kid ourselves. Men take a real kicking where it hurts throughout this performance...

l Runs until Saturday. Box Office: 0870-905-5060

Viv Hardwick

Joseph, Sunderland Empire

NO matter how many times I see it, this musical always makes me smile, and the latest production, at one of the region's flagship venues, was no exception. The curtain went up on a simple set and lots of Egyptian-looking scenery and we were introduced to Jacob, the Biblical character famed for having many sons. His favourite, Joseph, the eponymous hero, was known for having prophetic dreams, and soon his brothers, becoming envious of his talent, had sold him into slavery.

The famous show, which has featured stars like Phillip Schofield and Jason Donovan, is held together by the narrator, played in Sunderland by Harriet Shore. She proved the perfect foil for Joseph, the charismatic Jonathan Parkin, who not only could sing but had the looks to suit the part.

The story sped along nicely, with scene after scene of vibrant costumes, uplifting songs and plenty of dancing - a real advantage for the many children in the audience. Though certain things are unexplained - why, for instance, is Pharaoh dressed as Elvis? - it doesn't matter in the end as the results are entertaining. A real classic, and one that anyone would enjoy.

l Runs until Saturday. Box office 0870-6021130.

Sarah Foster