Three Kings At War (C4); At War With Next Door (five): WHEN Queen Victoria died after her 64-year reign, her extended family spanned nine European thrones.

You couldn't pop into a palace without encountering her children or their offspring, all members of what they called The Club.

Between them, first cousins George V of England, Tsar Nicholas of Russia and Kaiser William of Germany ruled over half the earth.

But it wasn't all happy families. Three Kings At War might have been called A Family At War because, in common with ordinary families, they fell out with and bitched about each other. Sometimes they even went to war with each other.

The programme used George's letters to Nicholas to show the trouble at The Club. "He hardly speaks to me at all, which is a good thing," wrote George about his German cousin.

William was indiscreet, patting people on the bottom in public and upsetting George by building the German navy when everyone knew that Britannia ruled the waves.

But Nicholas couldn't depend on George after the Russian Revolution toppled the Romanovs from the throne. They sought shelter in England but George worried their presence would put his position in danger, so he had the offer of asylum withdrawn and swiftly changed his German name to the more British Windsor.

Newly-discovered secret service records appear to show that George didn't abandon his cousin and his family entirely. He instigated a rescue mission which, unhappily for the Romanovs, never got off the ground and they were shot.

At War With Next Door sends in former UN negotiator Colonel Bob Stewart to settle squabbles between neighbours. This week, he sometimes looked like he'd rather be up to his neck in muck and bullets that deal with unreasonable, unbending, downright hostile civilians.

On one side in Billericay in Essex was self-employed builder Len. On the other side of the fence was Kathleen and Britain's biggest travellers' site, home to 100 families.

Both sides had ingrained prejudices. Len regarded travellers as litter-dropping immigrants breaking our laws. Kathleen, the travellers' leader, felt they had as much right to be there as anyone else and that they weren't all dirty and criminals.

Stewart needed all his 25 years' experience to broker peace talks. I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd banged their heads together and told both sides to stop being so silly and selfish.

If only they'd sent in How Clean Is My House's Kim and Aggie. They wouldn't have taken any nonsense and sorted things out sharpish. And tidied up into the bargain.