Lone rangers

‘ICAN spend weekends not speaking to a soul. I’m lucky to have a full, rich work life, but once I’m home I am very much alone, and sometimes the loneliness is crippling.”

Eleanor is a bright, positive, attractive 40-year-old, with a successful career in PR. She has everything going for her, and spends her days surrounded by colleagues and in constant contact with people.

Yet, as Eleanor admits, she’s also incredibly lonely and, somewhat ironically, she’s not alone.

According to the General Lifestyle Survey Report by the Office for National Statistics earlier this month, the number of people living alone and eating dinner for one every day has doubled in the past four decades.

Of course, just because somebody lives alone, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re lonely.

“Equally, you can also live with a big crowd and be surrounded by people and still feel lonely,” says Bridget O’Connell, head of information at the mental health charity Mind.

Indeed, loneliness is deeply personal, and has more to do with a lack of meaningful interaction and support, than whether or not somebody is entirely physically isolated.

“People who are socially isolated are more likely to suffer stress, lower self esteem and sleep problems, and over a long period of time this can cause other problems like depression and anxiety if not resolved,” says O’Connell.

Not having a strong support network also makes people less likely to be able to manage or overcome mental health problems if they occur.

But, as Eleanor proves, you don’t have to be totally shut off from society to experience loneliness.

“After reaching 40, my friends all seem to have disappeared, and I’ve been single for too many years to mention now,” she says.

“There are times when I just can’t find a friend to go to something with and am faced with going alone or wasting a ticket and hiding away.

“It’s such an awful feeling. I feel as if my existence is pointless, and as though I must have become really unpopular. It makes me feel like I must be a horrible person. It’s caused me to become depressed and self critical, and to almost give up on life and shut down emotionally.”

Anyone who has experienced loneliness will relate to Eleanor’s predicament. The obvious answer is to seek social interaction, by joining a club or class or reaching out to potential new friends – but if the loneliness itself has sapped your confidence, this becomes difficult.

FOR some, part of the reason loneliness dents their selfworth so greatly, is the shame and sense of failure it can bring, especially in today’s age of social media and photo sharing, where it may look like everybody else on the planet has endless numbers of friends.

Social media is a double-edged sword, says O’Connell. “In some ways we’ve got more ways of reaching out to others than ever. You can chat with somebody on the other side of the world at 3am if you want to, yet in other ways, the number of public spaces is decreasing, the number of activities that require payment is increasing, so it can be difficult to find places where you can relax and meet people.”

Walking group

The impact of loneliness can linger long after a person’s social circumstances have changed.

Karina, 24, became lonely in her late teens after her mum died. Her dad was out of the picture and her older sisters had moved on with their own lives.

Though she’s now engaged, working and has a circle of friends, Karina says the loneliness she experienced had a lasting effect. “When things got tough, my automatic reaction was to push people away as loneliness was the only thing I knew,” she says.

Looking back, Karina now thinks that much of her own loneliness was due to her “shutting people out”.

These days, she values her friendships immensely and works hard to maintain them. “Loneliness is hard,”

she says. “It’s human nature to want to surround ourselves with likeminded people we can share our lives with.”

Putting up a barrier and shutting yourself off can happen easily though, particularly if a person has experienced a loss or a big change in their personal circumstances. This is often the case for the elderly, who may struggle after the loss of a spouse.

Roy Williams found himself in this situation when, after 45 years of marriage, in his 70s he suddenly found himself alone when his wife died.

“I’d spent five years caring for her beforehand and became practically housebound,” he says, admitting that he found it extremely difficult to adapt to life without his wife and neglected social contact as a result.

Roy’s experience is one that thousands of people in his age group across the UK will relate to. Being socially isolated puts elderly people at higher risk of physical and mental health problems, as well as being deeply unhappy.

Roy’s lifeline was a free local walking group called Walking 4 Life, Minehead Health Walks.

The groups were started in 2009 after receiving money from the Big Lottery Fund’s £160m wellbeing programme, in conjunction with MacMillan and The Ramblers charities, with the aim of providing people a means of getting outdoors for some exercise as well as enabling them to meet people and socialise.

ROY went along after being encouraged by his concerned daughter. Now, he’s trained as a walk leader, leading two local walks a week and even organising walking holidays.

“It can be a real lifeline for people,”

says Roy. “It’s a great means of getting some exercise but I think the social side is a big draw for people.”

The groups cater for all fitness levels, including beginners groups for those recovering from illness or surgery, and indeed the social element is key.

Telling a lonely person to go and join a group can be easier said than done, though.

“If you’ve been lonely for a long time that is probably a step too far and too difficult,” says O’Connell “So it’s about starting slowly. It might just be going to the shops and speaking to the cashier, or having a chat with your neighbour. Take small steps, and hopefully you’ll be able to build up to joining a group where you’ll meet other people.”

• For support and information about loneliness and other mental health and wellbeing issues, visit mind.org.uk
• To find out about Walking 4 Health in your area, visit walkingforhealth.org.uk