The C word

I put a ban on anyone uttering the word Christmas before December, because I refuse to get caught up in the generalsense of dread, fear and mad panic in the lead up to this one day of the year.

Those who insist on asking you if you are ready for Christmas before your summer tan has faded tend to be smug and ultra-organised, with the presents they bought in advance in the January sales already wrapped, cards written and little left to do but annoy those of us who haven’t even thought of starting.

Or they’re like my chimney sweep, who wondered if I’d got everything done last month before gleefully announcing that he and his wife were clearing off to Torremolinos for the fortnight because they couldn’t face it: “I get so many calls on Christmas day from people whose chimneys are leaking smoke into the living room when they have all the family round.”

And then there are the traders who are so keen for you to help start shifting their stock before they’ve even got it on the shelves, they smile knowingly as the irrational anxiety which has been building for weeks begins to spread like wildfire.

Because if you haven’t already heard, there is a rumour going around that everything related to Christmas all over the world is about to run out. Which is probably why one of my friends actually bought Christmas crackers in August.

If you don’t act fast, those ‘must-have’ toys will have gone, and if you weren’t organised enough to buy in the Black Friday Cyber Monday sales, expect to pay three times as much for anything that happens to be left on the shelves.Loser.

And those of you who managed to hit the sales online needn’t feel too pleased with yourselves either. Because what you bought may not arrive in time. You have all been so busy ordering so much stuff that the Christmas doom mongers are predicting a parcel delivery backlog.

The clock is ticking. Time is running out.

And then there’s the food to worry about. Because everyone in the country will be eating a big meal that day, supermarketshave let slip they are concerned everyday items could be in short supply.

And butchers are never quite sure if there will be enough turkeys. Well, they can’t guarantee it. Not when there’s a cataclysmic forthcoming event like Christmas Day just weeks away.

One ‘Festive tips’ article I read even advised that you can freeze milk, should you want to stockpile. Which would be a good idea if we were on a war footing, or preparing for the apocalypse, or a nuclear winter.

Is it any wonder that one in 20 people consider Christmas more stressful than a burglary? Or that more than half of Britons will have had a drink before lunch to cope with the stress of Christmas Day?

But one thing that always reassures me is that the best Christmas we ever had in our house was the year we had a power cut for the whole of December 25th.

We ate cold meats and salads for lunch, which was laid back and relaxed, with no-one breaking out in a sweat, breathless with panic, over the hot stove. We lit candles and log fires, cracked open a few bottles of bubbly and tins of chocolate, played games and laughed a lot.

Cooking the dinner next day, without the usual huge expectations, didn’t seem half as stressful as normal.

So, if you’re finding it all a bit much, here’s my top festive tip: flick the trip switch and announce there’s been a power cut.

Just make sure you have your chimney swept in advance before you light your fire. Because should smoke come billowing out of the fireplace and into your living room , your chimney sweep may wellhave cleared off to Torremolinos.