I WISH Miss Thomas were still around to sort out Jacqui Smith. Miss Thomas was my infants’ class teacher. Jacqui Smith is the former Home Secretary who claimed expenses for her husband’s pornographic films and a bath plug and said that her sister’s home was her main residence.

On Monday (October 12, first day back from summer holidays for MPs.

Real world or what?), Jacqui Smith stood up and said “sorry” to the House.

Her “apology” was less about remorse and a lot more about self-justification.

She still seemed unconvinced that she had done anything wrong.

Baffled, really. She hardly said sorry at all.

Which is why I would have liked Miss Thomas to be there. Back in the olden days, when teachers could do such things, Miss Thomas would have given Jacqui Smith a good shake, quite possibly smacked the back of her legs and made her say sorry again.

“And this time, say it as though you mean it,” she would have said.

Sensible people, infants’ teachers.

WHILE pondering the fiasco of the MPs and their expenses, their resentment at having to repay them and their general feeling of entitlement – and wouldn’t Miss Thomas have had her work cut out with that lot?

– and also while considering the huge and sorry mismanagement of Darlington’s town centre redevelopment, two thoughts leapt into my head.

1. Why do we never talk of “public service” any more? Too many of today’s politicians – at local and national level – see their role not as improving their communities, but as just another job with appropriate perks. The public is not their boss to be served and to whom they are accountable, but an irritation, to be duped.

2. Why do we these days seem only ever to hear the word “honour” in the phrase “honour killing”? A concept that was once great and glorious is now mainly associated with a young girl’s murder by her own family.

Could explain a lot, couldn’t it?

HILLARY Clinton, US Secretary of State, a very bright woman, spent her youth being serious and studious. Since then, she has clearly been making up for lost time and overdosing on teen movies.

On her recent trip to Europe, she has been leaping off planes and into the arms of any heads of state she comes across. A delighted shriek of “Gordon!” and then it’s all huggy kissy raptures. Just like A-level results day.

I can’t help thinking that when it comes to international diplomacy, there’s a lot to be said for a nice quiet handshake.

I DIDN’T get a chance to see exactly what policy it was promoting, but on the side of a Richmondshire District Council bin wagon, a slogan says “Stay warm, stay safe, stay put.” Makes me want to add, “and just wait for death...”

Staying safe and staying put are all very well, of course, at a certain stage in the game. But as a slogan for the masses, it seems awfully defeatist.

AFTER the uproar when two women police officers were told they could not look after each other’s children, Schools Secretary Ed Balls has said that such arrangements should no longer be a matter of regulation.

Meanwhile, a nurse who was struck off after she secretly filmed the shocking neglect of hospital patients, has been reinstated and her punishment changed to a caution.

Shh... whisper it quietly... this might just be the beginnings of a small outbreak of common sense.

SHADOW Education secretary Michael Gove has said that he would like to introduce a Troops to Teachers scheme in which ex-servicemen and women are fasttracked to become teachers.

Think discipline, inspiration, determination – and people who won’t stand any nonsense from anyone.

A great idea. But it’s not just the children who would benefit. If only we could let these crack troops loose on the hopeless, helpless, hapless parents.

Now that really would make a difference.

OH how I love Victoria Beckham.

She has just apparently spent £7,000 on a jacket that looks as though someone’s left the coathanger in it.

Her role in life is to be a source of innocent merriment for the rest of us. And, fair play, she does it admirably.

SO Stephen Ainsley and his son, Tom, have made their flight to South Africa today.

They were still waiting for Tom’s passport on Monday, and, frustrated by the delay, Mr Ainsley was staging a one-man protest outside the passport office in Durham.

Strange. Ours is a family of habitual passport losers and leavers to the absolute last minute, yet we have never failed to travel.

Last month – five days before he was due to fly – Senior Son raced through to Durham scattering forms and papers in all directions, only to be told that his photo was useless – at 6ft 5in he couldn’t squash down low enough into the little booth to get all his head in. But they sorted him out. And he got his passport on time.

The Passport Office in Durham have always been wonderfully efficient and helpful. There. That’s tempted Fate...

BRITISH motorists tend to talk to their cars, says a new survey. Yup, I shout at mine when the heater won’t work and I apologise to it and pat the dashboard when I crash the gears.

I might be mad, but it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone.

GOOD news – it’s National Chocolate Week. Bad news – is a week enough?

The story continues...

IT’S great news that Upstairs Downstairs is coming back next year, with Rose, otherwise known as the series’ joint creator, Jean Marsh, promoted to housekeeper as the story continues into the Thirties.

I only ever saw half the early programmes in the Seventies. It went out late on a Saturday evening and whereas my mum and I wanted to watch Upstairs Downstairs, every other week we lost out to my dad who watched Match of the Day. In those dim and distant times, most houses had only one TV set, video recorders had just been invented and cost the equivalent of about £4,000 in today’s money. Just think how many rows have been prevented by technology...

Mary's an inspiration

IT’S 25 years since I interviewed Mary Butterwick, shortly after the opening of the Butterwick Hospice which she had worked so hard to achieve, following the death of her husband, John.

The amazing Mrs Butterwick is now 85, has had a few health problems of her own in recent years, but is still busy campaigning to raise money – this time for a family support and complementary health centre at the Stockton base.

At an age and stage when she would be more than entitled to put her feet up and do nothing, she is still doing all the can for other people. Inspirational.