Mick McCarthy regrets, but he was unable to attend the English premiere of I Keano, which finished its run last weekend.

"I think he may have had other things on his mind last week, " says Rob Allen of the Lowry Centre in Manchester. "The timing was a bit unfortunate, but he wrote a polite note declining the invitation."

The musical - sub-tilted He Came, He Saw, He Went Home Again - centres around the infamous clash between the recently-departed Sunderland manager and Roy Keane, then his Republic of Ireland captain, before the 2002 World Cup.

Keane, subsequently to be embroiled in similar seminal confrontation with Sir Alex Ferguson, claimed unprofessionalism and lack of preparation on McCarthy's part before heading home from the Pacific.

The musical, co-written by Michael Nugent and Arthur Matthews - who helped write Father Ted - had two sell-out runs in Dublin before crossing the Irish Sea.

It involves a band of Roman soldiers, facing a big battle after some successful qualifying skirmishes, led by McCartacus - described in one review as "thick-headed" - and by Keano, "a man of ferocious temper and high standards."

Keano complains that the ground is too hard, the troops have been out partying half the night and that the generals have forgotten to bring any daggers and tunics. The rest, as they might say of the ancient Romans, is history.

The cast also includes Quinness, said to be a Fr Dougal-esque dogooder, Packie Bonnerus and the nymph god Dunphia, who takes up residence in Keano's ear. The chap who may most closely be identified as representing the Irish FA is named Ridiculus (sic).

There are a couple of journalists, too, but since they're always hanging around the free bar, that's clearly pure theatre.

The part of Surfia, apparently based on Niall Quinn's wife, was deleted from the English version.

"She's almost as famous as Niall is in Ireland, especially for making soap powder commercials, " says Duncan Craig of the production company.

Sir Alex, portrayed as "the hair dryer god", was also invited, but appears not to have responded.

The Manchester production received a generally approving press - "It essentially constitutes a parody of a parody, " said The Times - the critics particularly impressed with Dessie Gallagher, who plays McCartacus.

"Gallagher is so good he could probably turn up at the Stadium of Light and convince the Sunderland squad that he is McCarthy. He could hardly do any worse than the real thing, " wrote the Manchester Evening News pundit days before the manager's departure.

Another reviewer described McCartacus as "oozing Yorkshire pride and cliched football manager mannerisms."

The show's problem is that it's basically one long in-joke, understood only by football followers - "not a particularly great idea for a date, " said the Evening News.

The Lowry wasn't a sell-out, says Rob Allen. "Audiences were reasonably good, but they tailed off when there was real football to watch.

"It was a bit of fun. It wasn't highbrow, but everyone went away laughing. We didn't have Mick McCarthy, but we did have Richard Jobson, who used to play for Manchester City."

Robbie Keane turned up in Dublin. "He absolutely loved it, thought it was hilarious and went backstage to meet the cast, " says Duncan Craig.

The production will again tour Irish venues, but talks are under way to confirm more English dates.

Sadly, however, the epic story of McCartacus may never translate to Sunderland.

"I Keano? I'm afraid I've never heard of it, " says Sunderland Empire marketing manager Sarah Clark. "It certainly won't be here this year. After that, I just don't know."

GENERAL McCartacus being deployed elsewhere, the principal guest when I Keano kicked off was 86-year-old Tom Clarke, reckoned the country's oldest referee.

Like Roy Keane, Tom's Irish. "I'd have dealt with him in the same way, " he said. "He deserved it; you have to learn not to speak out in the way he did."

It brought to mind Mick Henderson, still a bit bairn of 71. Was he still running the middle?

"Certainly I am, " says Mick, from Broompark, near Durham. "I was out at New Brancepeth last Sunday and by hell, I've never been so cold in all my life.

"They said the pitch was fit, so we had to be, but I'm not sure that any of us was quite right in the head."

A referee for 45 years - less the six months he was long since suspended by Durham FA for being seven minutes late for a disciplinary hearing - the retired deputy headmaster still handles more than 100 games a season, had managed four the weekend previously and is chairman of the Durham and District Sunday League.

Last week, however, he arrived at Aykley Heads for a Sunderland police fixture only to find that the game had been moved to South Hetton.

The match passed uneventfully, unlike the last time he'd faced Sunderland constabulary when things were a little different. "One of them called me old, which was bad enough, but it was the words which followed it which got him sent off, " says Mick.

"It was my fourth red card in two weeks. Before that, I'd hardly had any in two years."

Still a Wearside League assistant referee, he's been awarded an Over 40s League cup final this season.

"The word got around that it was going to be my last match, but they couldn't be more wrong.

"I may not make 86, but I hope I've got a good few years left in me yet."

TUESDAY'S column marked the passing of Maurice Binge, the only man in Cockerton Cricket Club's 113-year history to take all ten wickets in a match.

Club historian Richard Cowan now provides the remarkable statistic that in Maurice's 25 years with Cockerton, 1946-70, the ten-wicket wonder played 348 games but bowled just 284 overs - 72 wickets at just over 10 apiece.

"He was never an opening bowler, but if I'd been captain I think he'd have seen a bit more of the ball, " says Richard. "You certainly couldn't say he was overbowled."

Maurice became club president, moved to Billingham, but remained an enthusiastic and generous supporter. Back in Darlington, his funeral is at 2.45pm next Monday at St Andrew's, Haughton-le-Skerne.

RICHARD Cowan has also dropped in a copy of Cockerton's wonderfully comprehensive 2006 yearbook, offering a reflection - shall we say - on the dear old Demon Donkey Dropper of Eryholme, and friends.

Last season's review records that Cockerton played Barton at Eryholme on an uncommonly sunny May day.

"The sight screen had been painted white, right colour, but high gloss. When the sun blazed down, the batsmen were blinded."

Finally, the umpires asked for the screen to be moved, which is why it spent the rest of the match in an adjoining field. "Eryholme, " adds the yearbook, dryly, "need seriously to consider the position of the decorators next season."

HEAVENS opening all around, we spent Tuesday evening cocooned in Marske United's clubhouse to discuss the forthcoming golden jubilee - 50 years on June 9 since a disparate bunch of lads went into the Ship Inn and came out as a team. Inevitably it prompted them to ask the identity of the former Marske footballer who went on to notch a hat-trick for England. The answer to that one at the foot of the column.

RECENT recollection of Eddie Passmore's goal scoring feats for Gateshead, 1949-50, reminds Barry Lee in Norton-on-Tees of the time they played together for Shotton Colliery.

Eddie was a regular - "Nice man, I wish I'd known him earlier"; Barry was making his debut, at centre half. Shotton's side also included goalkeeper George Turley, formerly of Stoke and Middlesbrough, and Ron "Curly" Forster, who made 50-odd appearances for Darlington.

They lost 9-1 to local rivals Easington CW, centre forward Dickie Moore hitting five. "Eddie and I had a discussion, big time, about the defence. After just one game, I was dropped."

CIRCUMSTANCES wholly beyond their control - the OFSTED inspector called - meant that staff and pupils at Carmel School in Darlington had to postpone a "Fairtrade" meal last night.

Fairtrade Fortnight isn't just celebrated around the dining table, however. The school has also organised a half-time penalty competition at tomorrow's Darlington v Carlisle match, using Fairtrade footballs.

After the competition, says religious education teacher David Bayne, the balls will be "hoofed" into the crowd.

APARAGRAPH in last week's Local Heroes noted the likely demise of the George Coates Cricket Trophy, for the region's second teams. Stockton Cricket Club captain Mark Fletcher now reports that they've found a sponsor and that George's memory will live on.

The draw was made last night, the final to be played at Stockton on Sunday, August 27.

And Finally...

TUESDAY'S column sought the identity of the three non-European overseas footballers who'd scored for the winning side in an FA Cup final.

The answer was meant to be George Robledo of Newcastle United, Craig Johnston of Liverpool and Ricky Villa of Spurs - but Alan Stewart in Crook adds Bill Perry, the South African winger who scored for Blackpool in the "Matthews" final, 1953.

If you include the penalty shoot-out, adds Brian Dixon in Darlington, then Lauren (from Cameroon) and Patrick Vieira (from Senegal) would be included after last year's final.

The young man who played football for Marske and later bagged a hattrick for England was - of course - Yorkshire cricketer Paul Jarvis, last heard of in Australia.

Keith Bond in Brompton-on-Swale notes that Alastair Cook recently became the 16th batsman to score a century on his England debut. Who, asks Keith, was the 15th?

The answer, and the distinguished company they keep, when the column returns in four days.

Published: 11/03/2006