John North: Keld comfort

A chap wearing the sort of half-mittens once favoured by Old Man Steptoe ponders the influence of the full moon upon his waning fortunes. None waits for the 9.15 to Keld.

Probably it says "Keld" on the front because "Back of Beyond" is a bit too much to fit onto a departure screen. Strictly it should be "Keld, or thereabouts".

Brian Hamer brings the service 30 in precisely to time. Until nine years ago he drove buses in central London, can still hardly believe his change of direction.

"It's like being on holiday and they pay me for it every week," he says. "I knew I wanted to get away from the rat race but I didn't think I'd get as far away as Keld."

Now, however, the future of the twice-a-day service to Swaledale's furthest extremity - and that of several other rural bus services - is threatened by Arriva's decision to close its Richmond depot, where 35 men work.

Routes between Darlington and Northallerton and Ripon and between Richmond and Barnard Castle, as well as others in Swaledale, are affected. Keld comfort, the county council is talking to other operators in a bid to avoid the end of the road.

Headed "Closure of Richmond depot", a notice on the No. 30 claims that, despite cost cutting measures, the depot's revenue still doesn't even cover expenses. Services will be withdrawn on March 4.

"Withdrawn" is one of those weasel words which look harmless but which hide a nasty bite. They used to withdraw steam engines; three days later they were in the breakers' yard. The withdrawal method isn't to be trusted.

The bus also has notices about not eating, drinking, smoking, spitting - more shalt nots than the Ten Commandments - and something about "knowing your bus ticket".

A little more surprisingly, there's a poster which says "Thinking about having sex? No condom? No Thnx" - what, not even on the back seat of the service 30? - and another, written entirely in text language, about not feeling pressured to have sex.

Luke Casey, when he was a bit bairn on The Northern Echo, once wrote an entire column on the notices lining a Stockton double decker. In those days, however, a text was something you studied in O-level English and sex was something that amoebas got up to in biology.

So off we head westward, the dale unhurriedly about its business, the river in no greater rush, a woolly hatted chap on a tricycle setting a suitable pace.

The song about nothing could be finer than to be Carolina in the morning wanders incorrigibly to mind. For Carolina read Swaledale; it's a lovely January day and a regional "day rover" ticket is just £5, a remarkable bargain.

Up past Downholme road ends, past Reeth fire station (of incandescent memory), through Low Row, where the Punch Bowl is again on the market and onto Gunnerside, where Florence Bland - half single to Muker - becomes the outward journey's sole passenger.

She'll miss the bus terribly. "It's a very sore point, it would be an absolute disaster. I was horrified when I heard what was happening and I'm writing to William Hague, our MP.

"The silly thing is that the Government talks about reducing emissions and this is the best way to keep cars off the road. They talk about free bus travel for pensioners, but the way they're going there'll be no buses left to travel on.

"We have no shop at Gunnerside any more, no post office. What are we supposed to do if we don't even have a bus?"

Keld is a hamlet, stone built and half-hidden, best remembered hereabouts for a lovely old United Reformed chapel and for a pub called the Cat and Fiddle, of elastic hours and uncertain reputation.

It was bought in the 1950s by a local Methodist preacher who closed it that night, forever stopping its tap.

The service 30 goes on to Tan Hill road end, arriving at 10.24. It's a mile and three-quarters to England's highest pub, three-quarters of a mile to West Stonesdale, ten miles to Kirkby Stephen. Integrated transport, you can catch a train from Kirkby Stephen.

Brian Hamer, a thoroughly nice man, marvels (as always he does) at the view, recalls that he might at that hour have been describing slow circles around Piccadilly Circus, says that the Richmond drivers were as surprised as anyone at the closure announcement.

"We always assumed that the depot was breaking even, maybe making a small profit."

Even in winter, says Brian, there are usually one or two passengers. "These services are a lifeline up here, especially for older people. It would be an awful blow to lose them."

The return is no more eventful. None waits in Thwaite, no succour in Muker. In Gunnerside's crooked main street there's a brief moment of excitement when an elderly chap's standing near the bus stop, but he's only - actually and metaphorically - getting his pipe.

The service 30 continues to run on empty.

Finally back in Reeth we're joined by Richard Good, bed and breakfast owner, former district councillor and recent chairman of the local business association. He worked in Leeds, moved 14 years ago to the B&B in Arkengarthdale - the line about the Good life exceedingly familiar - but no longer drives for eyesight reasons. "It's not the best place to be if you can't drive a car," he concedes.

Richard's a regular. "The bus service is absolutely vital. Maybe not a lot of people use it, but it's terribly important to those who do.

"We had a meeting with the county council before Christmas and were assured that the rural services are very important to them as well. It would be a crying shame to lose them."

We're back in Richmond at 11.39, Brian Hamer out again six minutes later with the bus as far as Gunnerside. "You never get tired of it," he says, a transport of delight.

A Law unto herself in the ageing game

SOMEWHAT after their time, we recalled before Christmas the cast of The One O'Clock Show, Tyne Tees Television's ground breaking variety show, circa 1960. As Betty Jackson in Darlington points out, however, we forgot Barbara Law - who's looking, and sounding, as good as ever.

For the past 17 years she's lived in Tenerife, where Betty's been staying with her. She's now 70, married for 50 years, singing for 54 - recently at Woody Allan's club in New York and two or three times a week at the Jazzissimo Piano Bar in Tenerife.

"She looks better than ever," says Betty. Judging by the photograph, she's right.

PLENTY of response, mostly favourable, to last week's column on the once weekly train to Teesside Airport. (Anon is right: his vituperative letter isn't going to be published.)

Altogether more agreeably, Stan Wilson in Thirsk points out that while the train service may be all but off the rails, there's now a first class, easy access bus connection between Darlington railway station and the airport. "Obviously you pay if you're going to see your aunty in Middleton St George, but for intending air travellers it's free."

Stan's a regular winter flier, the Spanish sun good for the old arthritis. Hitherto he was torn between Teesside and Leeds/Bradford, now he heads north.

The bus, half hourly during the day, is the 737 - a flyer in its own right, too.

MEMORY suggested, said last week's column, that General Sir Peter de la Billiere had opened the sports pavilion at Wearhead. As usual these days, memory was mistaken. Fred Bailey in Etherley Moor, Bishop Auckland, points out that the opener was Field Marshall Sir Peter Inge, then the chief of defence staff and a member of Fred's old regiment, the Green Howards.

IN July last year we wrote of Darlington coun cillor Glen Reynolds's work on the theory that Judas Iscariot was, effectively, one of the good guys.

It was all part of the plot; they were in it together so that scripture might be fulfilled. "The biggest discovery in the history of western civilisation," said Glen, a Quaker, over a third or fourth coffee.

Last week the Vatican's Pontifical Committee for Historical Science announced what amounted to a partial pardon. He wasn't deliberately evil, they supposed, just playing his part.

Glenn worries about the imminence of the Da Vinci Code film. "Another masterpiece of fiction and conspiracy theory will be on the bookshelves before we know it."

...and finally, Emmerdale fans and beer lovers - or even beer loving Emmerdale fans - will be happy to hear that the Black Sheep Brewery is relaunching Emmerdale Ale, 4.2 per cent.

The do, which also marks the rebranding of Black Sheep Special as Black Sheep Ale, is at the Crown at Manfield, near Darlington, on Friday, January 27 from 7.30pm. It's hoped that at least one Emmerdale star will be present.

Black Sheep, Masham-based, was recently named CAMRA's brewery of the year. The Crown, about 100 yards south of the Tees, is Yorkshire pub of the year. "They thought it would be nice to get the two award winners together," says Crown landlord Peter Hynds.

Emmerdale on the night will be just £1.20 a pint. All welcome.