Gordon "Overtax and Overspend" Brown has suggested that we do proper honour to the Union flag and institute a National Day, like Independence Day in the US and Bastille Day in France.

This is the best idea to come out of New Labour in all the nine years they have been in power. What is needed, as Gordon indicated, is something that perfectly reflects the character and personality of Britain today.

In order to represent the prevailing mood, this day should be called Touchy-Feely Day. There must be a supremo, a master of ceremonies, whose touchy-feely credentials have been recognised for years: St Fergal the Lachrymose. Due preparations should be made well in advance.

For example, teddy bears should be issued to every household and special grants made towards the universal purchase of floral tributes. Every TV and radio station will start with St Fergal as he enjoins the nation, through his tears "to have a reelly, reelly nice day and get in touch with your inner self". This would be followed by a national singing of Candle Up Your Nose. (Have I got that quite right?)

The first few hours will be spent in tributes to the fallen - that is to all the dead drug addicts and alcoholics who were pop stars and sports personalities. Now that we have 24-hour binge drinking, this could be easily arranged. People would just be urged to go down the pub "making sure they take their teddy bears and floral tributes with them, as these will be required later on".

In the pubs the big screens will show films - edited highlights of the day George Best drank that whole bottle of vodka and the day when the Rolling Stones were - well, stoned. This to be followed by Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix Hour and culminate in nationwide singing of John Lennon's sentimental anti-religious ballad Imagine.

But all this is just the build up to the climax of the great occasion. For the central figure and emblem - as the media will have it, icon - of the whole event would be of course Princess Di. At a signal from the Archbishopess of Canterbury, hearses with a big poster of Di on the side will set off from the middle of every town and village in the country. And the Archbishopess will pronounce: "Go forth and cast thy teddy bears!"

And throughout the land people will leave their armchairs where they were exchanging such memories as "By 'ell, he could sup some stuff on his day that Richard Burton", and rush out into the street to throw their teddy bears at the passing hearses.

In town and city squares all children, irrespective of ethnic origin, will come out and play landmine hopscotch and all the people will say "Aaah, aren't they lovely".

This to be followed by the Di Lookalike Tournament in which people will win prizes for imitating her characteristic expression - you know, the one where she turned her face downwards while raising her eyes coyly.

The Archbishopess will pray: "Dear Loving Mother-Father Godperson, we do thank thee for leading us out of our former Prayer Book religion into the touchy-feeliness which thou hast prepared for all them that do cry buckets at the drop of a floral tribute." The day's proceedings will end with the Earl Spencer on Newsnight calling for the Queen to be hanged at Tyburn. It will all take place annually on April 1.

* Peter Mullen is Rector of St Michael's, Cornhill, in the City of London, and Chaplain to the Stock Exchange.