It's going to be a right f****** how's your b****** father when Bob Geldof sits down with that nice Mr Cameron to discuss globalisation. Imagine:

"Good morning my dear Sir - may I call you Bob?"

"You can call me what you f****** well like, mate! I don't go in for all that toffee-nosed brown-a ***** s***. I'm not in nobody's f****** pocket and never f****** have been."

"So tell me, Bob, kindly, what would you do to alleviate poverty in the developing world? And how might the rich nations co-operate over funds and resources for the benefit of the global economy?"

"Don't come that global economy c*** with me Dave! You rich b******* should just put your hands in your pockets and hand over the loot to the starving b****** millions."

"But my dear fellow, perhaps it's not quite as simple as that. I mean the history of throwing huge piles of money into countries misruled by acquisitive dictators has not exactly turned out to be pro bonum publicum has it?"

"Wassis you're saying about Bono? Leave it out mate. I don't care how f****** corrupt the African dictators are. I just hate capitalists, rich b******* and especially f******* Tories a hell of a lot more than I hate them."

"Well, it's so nice to hear the voice or reason in our Shadow Cabinet Committee. Perhaps you'd like to stay and listen to the rest of this morning's discussion?"

"Wot for? Who the f**** are you bringing in next?"

"Oh I think you'd be surprised at the new face of the modernised Tory Party, Sir Robert. We want to appeal particularly to modern young people - so good for our credibility, don't you know? That's why I'm putting Kate Moss in charge of drugs strategy. Our key industrial relations programme is to be spearheaded by Arthur Scargill. Quite spiffing.

"We need a new consensus and people with tact and diplomacy. That's why I'm appointing Lee Bowyer and Alex Ferguson as our advisors on delicate foreign affairs. And Sir Elton John (and partner) have most generously agreed to be our consultants on future policy for marriage and the family. We're thinking of bringing George Carey back to get people to come to church.

"And, old chap, I have a splendid wheeze - sorry, I was back at Eton for a minute - I mean of course a decisive innovation for cross-party co-operation. I'm asking John Prescott to come and be our advisor for transport and the rural environment. Now what do you think to that, dear fellow?"

"You can't be f****** serious! You might as well get that b****** Robert Mugabe in to run the United f****** Nations!"

"Oh - Mr Mugabe, kindly wait outside a moment will you?"

* Peter Mullen is Rector of St Michael's, Cornhill, in the City of London, and Chaplain to the Stock Exchange.