Here's how things will go in Germany

FIFA promise a "celebration of football" involving supermodel Heidi Klum, Colombian singer Juanes and magician Hans Klok, although what they have to do with pulling 32 balls out of a bag is beyond me. If Klok has anything to do with it, the third team in Group A could end up being a white rabbit.

At least that would make it exciting. When it comes to England, the World Cup draw is a lesson in inevitability. In fact, why stop at the draw. England's World Cup experience is set in stone - here's how things will go in Germany.

The build up to the tournament will be dominated by a minor injury to David Beckham and a dalliance between Sven and a weather girl, possibly Sian Lloyd.

Wayne Rooney will be spotted in a kebab shop two days before the squad departs and Eriksson will describe dropping Phil Neville as the hardest decision of his life.

Once in Germany, speculation will turn to what the players are doing to keep themselves entertained. John Terry will enthuse about the merits of a Playstation while Beckham will be photographed on a balcony in his pants.

England's first game will be against a middle-ranking European side, which could be Switzerland but will probably be Poland. They will score in the first half - a crisp Lampard drive - but will eventually draw 1-1. The second-half display will be awful and at least one tabloid will lead with the line 'Send them home'.

Game two will see them face someone good, let's say for argument's sake, Argentina. It has to be a game with history to stir up a patriotic frenzy and send sales of replica flags soaring.

England will have a man sent off, spend most of the game defending, but scrape a 1-0 win. Their goal will either be a penalty or a free-kick but, as yet, nobody is getting too carried away.

That comes in game three. England will play a team that have nothing to play for - probably Togo or Angola - and beat them 3-0. Rooney will score twice and Pele will brand him the most exciting player in the world.

By now, the tabloids have changed their tack and England are likely winners. Desperate to prove his 'man on the street' credentials, Tony Blair will reschedule a cabinet meeting to catch the second-round game.

That pits England against a team from Scandinavia. It could be Sweden, but more probably it's Denmark. Their form will hold and they will win 3-1. Rooney will score again and every news programme in the country will show pictures from a sports caf in Leicester Square.

At this stage, World Cup frenzy hits its peak. Marriages break down as men ditch anything that was planned for final day, thousands of German girls are pictured screaming at Beckham and the DTI warns that the country will grind to a halt if fans continue to pull sickies on the day after England have played.

Then comes the quarter-final. Tradition dictates that it is played against Brazil, although France must also come into the equation.

England take the lead - probably through a penalty - but defensive mistakes leave them 2-1 behind. Rooney limps off injured and he is soon joined by Beckham.

The game looks to be up, only for Gerrard to grab an unlikely equaliser with five minutes left. Campbell has a goal disallowed in the first period of extra-time and on we go to penalties.

It goes to sudden death and obviously England lose. Owen Hargreaves misses the crucial penalty after Eriksson brings him on as a substitute, and Germany go on to lift the trophy. Beckham is named in the team of the tournament, despite having been rubbish for most of it.

Incredibly, we are amazed when all of this happens. It is worth bearing in mind when tomorrow's draw is made. Enjoy it, by all means, but remember what lies in wait.

Staying on the subject of football and further proof, as if it was needed, that the sport has lost touch with reality.

As a player, Jamie Redknapp always struggled to relate to everyday magazines. Apparently, there were none that had everything he wanted.

So, in conjunction with the also recently-retired Tim Sherwood, he has produced "Icon", a magazine aimed only at professional footballers.

It purports to include everything the modern-day player could want to read. The first edition came out last month, with the following lead article - "Shopping for helicopters with Les Ferdinand". Need I say more?

Dame Kelly Holmes' triumphant Olympic double gold will be remembered as one of the greatest moments in British sport. Sadly, her retirement speech this week will not be.

Containing more plugs than a B&Q Superstore, Holmes' speech gave prominence to both her forthcoming DVD and her scheduled appearance on ITV's latest instalment of primetime drivel.

The show is hoping to unearth the celebrity version of Torvill and Dean. Despite all of her achievements, it is Holmes' credibility that is skating on thin ice.