The genius, the monster, and me

"Would you like to sign it in my neighbourhood?"

"It's terribly kind of you, Mr Ottakar,

"I'd love to - as long as it's not too far."

"Oh no, it'll be at my shop in the Cornmill.

"Saturday, at eleven thirty, will be brill."

I screamed: "This Saturday! Yikes!

"You mean I'll be up against Eric Sykes?"

Because today across the High Row cones

The comic opens a shop for Mr Waterstones.

"It's worse than that," he said, "oh no -

"You'll also go head to head with the Gruffalo."

"A gruffalo? Mr Ottakar, what's a gruffalo?"

"A gruffalo! Why, Mr Lloyd, didn't you know?

He has terrible tusks, and terrible claws,

And terrible teeth in his terrible jaws."

You mean to say, that just across High Row

Will be this monster, the Gruffalo?

"He has knobbly knees and turned-out toes,

"And a poisonous wart at the end of his nose."

This was becoming most alarming,

This Gruffalo fellow did not sound charming.

"His eyes are orange, his tongue is black;

"He has purple prickles all over his back."

So what if in jealous anger he flew

Across High Row and ate up my book-signing queue?

"Silly old Lloyd! Don't you know,

"There's no such thing as a gruffalo.

"His tale is told in rhyming verse

"In a children's book - nothing worse."

"So, the Gruffalo," I said, ending the banter,

"Is a man dressed up - just like Santa."

Still, given the choice about who to see

Between Eric Sykes, comic genius, and me

I know, as Abba said, in all honesty

The place in which I would rather be.

At least if nobody comes, I'll be able to go

Over the road and see the Gruffalo.

THE Gruffalo, though, doesn't have stuff like this in his book. In Thursday's paper, a story said that of the eight pubs in the North-East which had successfully applied for round-the-clock licences, seven were out Barnard Castle way. "The 24-hour licences are all Tees total," said our headline.

Now, as a newly-published book says, Darlington led the Temperance movement. Its Moderation Society was formed in 1831, and members agreed to moderate their alcoholic intake.

An early recruit was George Mottram. He was the original drunken sailor, sentenced to death for stealing a boat, but pardoned when he joined the moderationists.

He travelled, preaching the moderation message. One day, he set out from Darlington to convert the drunkards of Barnard Castle. But sadly he got so drunk on the bus that by the time he reached Barney, he was unable to speak.

Moderation clearly was not the answer. So in September 1833, the Seven Men of Preston became the first in the country to go one step further and sign a pledge forswearing all alcohol.

One of the Temperance Seven was a chap called Richard "Dicky" Turner. He had a heavy Lancastrian accent and a bad stutter. He stood on the platform and swore that his abstinence would be "f-f-f-for ever and ever and t-t-t-total".

And so the word "teetotal" entered the English language.

"The Gruffalo saw the beer and the beer looked good..."

Eric Sykes signs his book, If I Don't Write It, Nobody Else Will, from 11am at Waterstones in Darlington. Chris Lloyd signs his book, A Walk in the Park: Memories of Darlington 4, from 11.30am at Ottakar's. The Gruffalo turns up in Waterstones at midday.