The BBC's best bovver boys are back. Not to ensure that the corporation gets the licence fee rise it wants, but to ensure the Mitchell clan rules the roost in Albert Square.
It would be nice to think that Phil and Grant Mitchell will find a peaceful resolution to the worries of Walford residents. That's as likely as Dot giving up smoking or Pauline Fowler smiling.
The producers of BBC1's EastEnders have called in the big guns to hit Coronation Street where it hurts most - in the ratings. And who better to deliver the knockout blow than Walford's very own Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
Sometimes there's no brotherly love lost between Phil and Grant, especially when they sleep with each other's women, but they know that the family that slays together stays together.
With sister Sam in jail on a murder charge and mum Peggy threatened by gangster Johnny Allen, the Mitchell family is going through a rough patch. It can only get rougher for everyone else when the brothers arrive back in the Square on Monday.
Nothing has changed. Once a bully boy, always a bully boy. Before you can say "assault and battery", newly-returned Grant has threatened a 12-year-old, promised to put Chrissie behind bars and thumped Dennis. Phil is a model of good behaviour by comparison, apart from pouring tomato ketchup over Ian Beale (which is a duty more than a crime).
So much for producers saying they want to move away from violent gangster storylines and reflect the lighter side of life. There is a rare picture of the Mitchell boys smiling 15 years ago when they took charge of the Arches garage. How young and innocent they look, but people probably thought the same about Baby Face Nelson.
Sharon Watts fell for Grant's manly charm, marrying him within a year. Fast forward 12 months and she was canoodling with brother Phil.
With Grant behind bars for beating up Sharon, Phil turned his romantic attention to Kathy Beale, later to be immortalised in Caff's Caff.
Phil and Kath's engagement party in the Vic went with a swing (and a right hook) after Grant provided the entertainment by playing the tape in which Sharon confessed to her affair with Phil. Grant reacted the only way he knew how, by thumping his brother and having sex with Michelle Fowler (who fled pregnant to America).
Love and marriage go together like a runaway horse and clapped out carriage in the Mitchells' book. Phil took to the bottle after Kathy gave birth to their son Ben, while Grant wed Tiffany but turned violent when he suspected her unborn child wasn't his.
Grant embarked on an affair with his wife's mother, Louise, in between trying to kill Tiffany by pushing her down the stairs. Never mind, Frank Butcher finished the job by running her down in his car.
The brothers' share-and-share-alike policy continued with Grant sleeping with Kathy. Phil felt left out, although deciding to confront his brother while they were in a speeding car contravened the Highway Code. Vehicle and brothers crashed into the Thames. Both emerged from the water safely, proving that wood does indeed float. Grant fled to Rio with daughter Courtney.
Phil was soon covered in blood after being gunned down on his doorstep. Who tried to kill Phil? Girlfriend Lisa, of course, although big-hearted Phil let her off the hook by framing dirty Dan Sullivan.
She repaid the favour by fleeing to Portugal with their daughter Louise. Residents were surprised when Phil returned from a trip there carrying Louise but not Lisa.
Undercover cop Geordie Kate was sent to Walford to discover the truth about Lisa, although marrying Phil was taking her job too seriously.
An increasingly demented Lisa reappeared in the Square and tried to kill Phil. Her aim hadn't improved. She missed again, so Dirty Den framed Phil for armed robbery.
He appeared briefly in Albert Square earlier this year while on the run from prison. As police caught up with him, he vowed revenge on anyone who's ever crossed him, which means the entire population of the East End had better watch out.
Ross Kemp, back together with Steve McFadden for the first time in six years as the Mitchells, says it's all about family unity in a crisis. "Their main priority is to get Sam out of prison, and if they have to cross a few enemies along the way, then so be it."
The producers assured him that Grant had changed. As if leopards change their spots. "If he's mellowed, it's because he's more considered about what he does," says Kemp. "But they soon had me going round beating up nearly everybody in the Square. So I'm not sure he's changed that dramatically".
* EastEnders: BBC1, Monday, 8pm; Tuesday and Thursday, 7.30pm; Friday, 8pm.
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