Obviously, the most important world issue before us today is not whether millions will snuff it with bird flu. And why should we worry that Iran is developing nuclear weapons and negotiating with the Russians and North Koreans about obtaining long-range rockets to deliver them?

They say China is progressing so rapidly economically that soon half Europe will be out of work. Who cares? Clearly the big question in the world today is whether the wimpish toff - sorry potentially the great Prime Minister - David Cameron ever smoked a joint or sniffed white powder. Why, the future of civilisation depends on it.

Look, I'll set Cameron an example and confess all the truly naughty things I've ever done. In 1956 I "borrowed" a packet of ten cigarettes from my grandad's newsagent's shop, meaning to put the money in the till at the weekend - but I never did. In 1958 I went to see a Brigitte Bardot film twice in one day and around the same time I had cheeky thoughts about the girl two doors above us just because she was shaped like the biggest model in the brassiere catalogue. Worse, in 1946 I threw my rattle out of the pram. And I still haven't given up my sinful life: last month I sat watching the cricket on TV rather than go to the Deanery Synod; and only last Saturday I went to the Internet and looked for the answer to 16 down in the crossword solver.

Of course, I'm just being a hypocrite. If I really had the stomach to make my confession I'd start by saying that, despite all my promises, I'm still as mean and bad tempered as I was last year at this time. I take my wife for granted. I haven't forgiven that bloke in the City who did me a bad turn some years back. I lack patience. I curse and swear far too readily. I've got relatives I'd miss marginally less than bird flu if I was told I'd never see them again.

Along similar lines, I'd advise the old Etonian smoothie Cameron to confess that he's got no Tory policies. He has no intention of re-establishing the national independence of our country from the EU - and so democracy in Britain is bound to be a sham. How can we choose how we should be governed when this decision is made for us already by aliens in Brussels? Cameron might also admit that he has no intention to stop pouring money into the scandalously failed health and education systems in Britain. Hospitals are conspicuously inefficient and filthy and hundreds of thousands of children leave school - even according to the official figures - unable to write and count accurately.

Why doesn't this candidate for the leadership own up and seriously repent of his real political sins and promise to do better in future? It would be a start if he would say that vacuous charm is not enough even for Tory ladies in the shires and that, for instance, if he were to be elected he would pledge to reform the tax system in favour of marriage.

The issue of the Tory leadership matters less than whether you crack your egg at the top or at the bottom. The reality is that in all three main parties we have a variety of social-democratic Europhiles. There is not one of the men either now in power or hopeful of achieving power who would bring about definite change for the better in our nation. Forget the serious issues. What people are told to be interested in is whether this candidate ever inhaled or whether that one once kissed another boy in the school lavatories.

* Peter Mullen is Rector of St Michael's, Cornhill, in the City of London, and Chaplain to the Stock Exchange.