UNTIL this summer, I'd have put watching cricket on a par with going on one of those excruciatingly dull MetroCentre expeditions which dads have to endure occasionally just to show willing.

Cricket, like shopping, was something which seemed to go on for ever, with not much happening, lots of hanging around and a couple of welcome breaks for lunch and tea.

But suddenly, the nail-biting finishes, the heroics of Freddie Flintoff, and the chance to grab The Ashes back from those arrogant Aussies, has got me well and truly gripped.

Dad-of-two Dave, a colleague at work, is exactly the same. In fact, he's probably worse, given the way cricket fever even got in the way of his wedding anniversary celebrations.

He'd booked a nice romantic weekend away with his wife in a posh hotel with a four-poster bed and candle-lit meals - one of the those occasions where dads are willing to fork out a few quid on the basis that a bit of passion is more or less guaranteed to be on the agenda.

On the Sunday afternoon of their stay, his wife, wearing a negligee and an amorous smile, was doing her best to entice her husband into the four-poster. It was the stuff dads dream of.

The trouble was that England were poised to win the third Test. With four overs to go, they only had to bowl out the last of the Aussie tail-enders, Brett Lee and Glenn McGrath, to go 2-1 up in the series. The tension was unbearable, hearts were pumping nationwide.

"Sorry love, I'll have to just watch this," said Dave, waving a hand dismissively.

If you'd suggested to Dave before the summer that he'd turn down the opportunity of an afternoon romp with his negligee-clad wife in a four-poster bed so that he could watch a cricket match, he'd have said you'd been hit on the head by too many bouncers.

But there he was, glued to the telly, holding his breath and praying the stumps would go flying.

In the end, Australia just managed to cling on, finishing with a total of 371, compared to England's tally of 423.

"So we've won then?" said Dave's patiently-waiting wife.

"No, it's a draw," he sighed, ready to resume romantic relations and finally bowl his maiden over, his expectations knowing no boundaries.

But his wife's ardour had understandably cooled. She was more interested in how it could possibly have been a draw when England had scored 52 runs more than the Australians.

For years, dads have been trying in vain to explain the football offside rule to mums. Salt and pepper pots, ketchup bottles, jam-jars and all kinds of other tabletop aids have been employed to try to get the message across.

Now, thanks to good old Freddie and his team-mates, dads are having to explain how cricket can end in a draw when one team scores more runs than the other.

Dave valiantly spent a good 20 minutes trying to make her understand, with both of them getting more and more frustrated along the way. In the end, she stormed off to the bathroom and locked the door, shouting: "Well, it sounds stupid to me!"

It's probably the wedding anniversary equivalent of having your bails whipped off.

CROSSED WIRES

MY mate Phil was chuffed to bits when a Fathers' Day present gave him the opportunity to be a motor racing driver for the day at Croft circuit, near Darlington.

When the big day came he happened to tell a neighbour about his forthcoming adventure and admitted he was feeling a bit nervous.

The next day, the neighbour called at the house to see how the day had gone. With Phil out at work, the door was answered by his wife.

"Did he survive then?" asked the neighbour.

Thinking he was talking about George, the kids' pet rabbit who'd just lost his brave fight for life, she reported the grim news.

"No I'm afraid not - he died. In fact you're probably standing on him right now," she said, pointing to the spot on the front lawn where poor old George had been laid to rest.

The colour apparently drained from the neighbour's face rather quickly.

LIFE'S LITTLE MYSTERIES

WHY is it that boys learn to tie their laces before they go to primary

school but by the time they become teenagers they've apparently forgotten?

"HOW is it that a teenager who is only awake for eight hours in 24, uses up to eight knives, ten drinking vessels and seven towels each day?"

- a letter to The Times this week.

THE THINGS THEY SAY

"MUM, why do some people call toilets laboratories? Is it because they do experiments while they're in there?" Our Max, aged eight.

THEY were a lovely lot at St Cuthbert's Mothers' Union in Marton, Middlesbrough, on Tuesday night.

Jean Lamb told how she'd taken grandson Matthew to the swimming pool when he was five and they were getting changed in the cubicle.

"Nanna, you know your wrinkles are never going to go away," said Matthew.

"Do you still love me then?" she asked.

"Course I do," came the reply.

www.thisisthenortheast.co.uk/ dadatlarge/

Published: ??/??/2004