What the butler saw... and what he did about it

SUNDAY dinner down his suit. Orange juice dripping from his face. A dinner fork protruding from his bleeding hand. These are just some of the sorry states that Sean Davoren has found himself in. As head butler at The Lanesborough, one of London's top hotels, he's seen it all - from the brattish to the downright brutal. Though not from paying guests. Instead of loutish adults, the menace has come from reprobates no higher than his waist.

Shocked by the bad behaviour displayed by youngsters at the hotel, five years ago, Sean set up etiquette classes. He aimed, by gentle coaching, to show what manners were about - and encourage headstrong little tykes to use them. When Sue Carr learned of the monthly sessions, she was instantly intrigued.

"I saw a really nice article in one of the magazines and I thought the classes would make a good TV programme, so I went to talk to Sean and really liked him," she says. "I thought the way he taught the children was very impressive - he was really nice and didn't raise his voice."

Sue's son Lucas was 18 months old and she was on the lookout for a new challenge. Born in Sunderland and after studying in the region, the 38-year-old began working in television, climbing the career ladder to end up producing and directing. At the helm of flagship shows like GMTV, she had time for little else, so took a break to care for Lucas. A project with Sean seemed the perfect way back into the TV world - and suited her agenda as a mum. "When you are starting to think for the first time in your life how to teach basic manners, it really does focus your mind," she says wryly.

Discussions about a TV show began - then Sue fell pregnant with her second son, Will. "I thought I didn't want to be doing a TV programme so we started talking about doing a book. I thought the idea would make a good book, so I thought, 'Why don't I have a go at it?'"

Before she wrote a word, Sue, who lives in London with husband Piers and the boys, set about doing some research. "I suddenly thought, 'I can't write a book and put it out there unless I know it actually works.' I knew the etiquette classes worked but I wanted to make sure the chapters did," she says.

So began a mammoth project, finding out what parents wanted to see. Sue admits she may have stretched the bounds of friends' good humour. "I became renowned as the dinner party bore," she says. "I spoke to friends, friends of friends, people at the gym... In all, I interviewed more than 60 parents."

She then tested every chapter on her target audience. "I sat down with a parent and child and watched them do the chapter. I didn't say a word because I wanted to see that it made sense," says Sue.

What emerged was a fascinating picture of how manners have become confused. "Mobile phones came up a lot - parents wanted to make sure children knew when to use them. Also things like keeping their rooms tidy. An interesting thing that came out was the reason why a lot of children don't keep their rooms tidy is because their parents do it for them," says Sue.

Throughout the writing process, Sean was there to add his voice - quite literally, says Sue. "It was a real collaboration - it was great," she says. "I would go to The Lanesborough and sit and have my cappuccino and my regular visit on Wednesdays at ten o'clock. We would talk about the chapters and I'd always ask Sean to read them out because I wanted to get his tone of voice."

An added bonus was picking up tips on taming her two sons. "Lucas had this very bad habit of wiping his mouth on his sleeve," says Sue. "Sean said, 'Why not give him a paper towel?', so I did. When I was just about to give up, I had one of those eureka moments when he picked it up and wiped his mouth with it. The only reason he was using his sleeve was because there was nothing else to clean his mouth with."

Amid Sue giving birth and Sean's hectic work life - including being made trainer of the Queen's butlers - the book, called Manners from Heaven, was finished. Sue describes it as a gentle guide, in no way preachy or prescriptive. "I've made as many mistakes as anyone and so has Sean," she says. "It's not a dogmatic thing. It's just about consideration and respect."

The book's premise is that it should be read by child and parent together, with messages for both. "We're asking children to sit on their bottoms for half an hour and go through a chapter. What we hadn't taken into account is that children love that," says Sue. "Each chapter has a note for grown-ups and it's also trying to teach the parents in a nice way, like turning up on time for parties."

A high priority was to keep the tone light. "We have games, puzzles and cartoons in each chapter. One game involves putting a cracker in your mouth and trying to have a conversation, and the child realises that it's not particularly attractive to talk with your mouth full. There's always this thing of, 'How would you feel if somebody did that to you?'," says Sue.

Subjects range from dining room etiquette to planning the perfect party. "There are things like what you should put on invitations and for older children, we say, 'Why not do a seating plan?'," says Sue.

There's even advice on what to do when someone breaks wind. "We say to just ignore it," Sue confirms. "Children can be paralysed with fear when they don't know what to do. We try to give them answers to things like that."

A big advantage of writing the book has been its impact on her boys. "Now Lucas will ask Piers if he's had a nice day," says Sue.

Having seen Will through his first year, she's thinking of reviving the idea of bringing Sean to the small screen. "I'm now feeling like it might be a nice thing to do," she says. "I think I'd like to just drop in and do some directing."

In the meantime, Sue hopes the book will be well received and says she's enjoyed every minute of it. "It's very different from any other book on manners because it talks to children," she says. "I've found it an absolute pleasure."

l Manners from Heaven by Sean Davoren and Sue Carr (Orion, £12.99) Out on Thursday.