We Londoners are amazed when our dear Mayor Ken Livingstone demands that we believe the tube bombings have nothing to do with Islam. It got me thinking...

"A number of incidents have occurred in London featuring bats, balls, stumps and bails. These have been described by commentators as 'very disturbing'. But a spokesman for the MCC said yesterday, 'It would be wrong for these outbreaks to be described as cricket incidents'.

"This despite the fact that four outbreaks in highly populated areas of the City have occurred. Many members of the public have reported seeing men in flannels and white shirts, wielding cricket bats and running between the stumps. There have been sporadic cries of 'Howzat?' and elderly men in long white coats and straw hats have been seen to raise a finger.

"Last month hundreds gathered at the so called 'shrine' of cricket and paid homage to past heroes of the game - Bradman, Verity and WG Grace and there were sustained cries of 'Freddie Flintoff is great!' These events caused a great deal of disturbance to local people and some said angrily, 'It's time these cricketers were dealt with! We know who they are, and they're practising their vile occupation all over the place. The police and security forces should go in and arrest them'.

"The situation has become so serious that the Prime Minister, the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Chief Rabbi have appealed to the people for calm. In a joint statement they warned, 'Just because millions are irritated and threatened by these outbreaks of bat and ball, they should not leap to the conclusion that they have anything to do with the thousands of ordinary, decent cricketers in Britain who never do anything more dangerous than lie in bed reading old copies of Wisden and reciting match statistics'.

"The Archbishop added, 'It would be a huge mistake to blame the great majority of our cricketing brothers for the doings of a few fanatics and hotheads who insist that Wisden - the book they call their "bible" - describes in authoritative detail the theory and practice of cricket and indeed urges all cricketers to play it. I am saddened when I hear stories of genuine cricketers being falsely accused of these quite disgraceful outbreaks of cover drives and umpiring'.

"The Prime Minister added his voice to that of the Chief of the Metropolitan Police and issued the caution, 'Those protesting against these outbreaks of so-called cricket will be charged with institutionalised cricketophobia and dealt with severely'.

"At this point a man rushed forward, grabbed the microphone and addressed the crowds, 'Are you all blind and stupid, or what? Can't you see that these cricketers hate our non-cricketing culture and want to destroy it? I'll tell you this: if we allow these incidents of leg glances and appeals for caught at the wicket to go unchecked, the day will come when cricketers get really serious and, not content with knocking us for six, they'll skittle the lot of us'.

"The police moved in and arrested him and he was taken away shouting and screaming, 'The Last Test will come - just you see. We're all going to be Ashes'!"

* Peter Mullen is Rector of St Michael's, Cornhill, in the City of London, and Chaplain to the Stock Exchange.