I've been a Church of England parson for 35 years, so I think I've heard more jokes about religion than most people. Bear with me this morning then as I tell you a few of my favourites. The Vicar's announcements at the start of the service are always good for a laugh...
"A new collection will be taken to defray the expense of the new carpet. Anyone wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and take a piece of paper..."
"John Cassidy and Sheila Benson were married yesterday. So ends a beautiful friendship that began when they were at school..."
"The Curate will preach his farewell sermon after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy'."
"As it is Easter Sunday, we shall ask Mrs Fothergill to come forward and lay an egg on the altar..."
"On Wednesday the ladies' Literary Society will meet. Mrs Hoskins will sing, 'Put Me In My Little Bed' accompanied by the Vicar..."
"The service will end with 'Little Drops of Water'. One of the men will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in..."
And then this appeared on the church notice board while the Vicar was ill: "GOD IS GOOD. Reverend Armitage is better..."
Why were Jesus' disciples fishermen and not cabinet-makers? Because then he wouldn't have said: "Leave your nets". He would have had to say, "Drop your drawers".
A Rabbi told me this one: "Who was the most constipated man ever in the Jewish religion? King David - he was on the throne for 40 years".
GK Chesterton said: "The test of a good religion is whether you can tell a joke about it." He also said: "The worst thing in religion is not a careless joke, but a careless solemnity". Those who devise the idiot modern services should take heed of that.
Of course you hear some vile and filthy jokes about religion - but then you can hear a vile and filthy joke about anything. How quickly tasteless jokes appear in the pub and on the Internet after some appalling catastrophe. But jokes have a purpose: they divert us and they help us understand that we're all part of the human condition.
Comedians, newspapers, film-makers and the BBC regularly poke fun at Christians and Jews. As a priest, I have done so myself this morning. One of the biggest signs that Muslims are becoming integrated into the life of this country will be when a devout follower of that faith stands up and begins a joke: "Ali Ahmed was on his way to the mosque one day..." And nobody starts issuing fatwas and declaring jihad.
* Peter Mullen in Rector of St Michael's, Cornhill, in the City of London, and Chaplain to the Stock Exchange.
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