WHO wants to look old? So what a pity that Des (although the BBC now refers to ex-Match Of The Day miscreant as Desmond) Lynam's attempt to tell our "real" age was so long and confusing that it probably put ten years on us all.

Are You Younger Than You Think? (BBC1, Saturday) had my wife, initially, seeking pen and paper so that her other half could work out the dreaded details.

Would her careful regime of healthy diet, exercise and telling me to do something about the leaking radiator have paid dividends?

It soon became clear that those "pressing the red button" on digital had a distinct advantage because they, and on-line players, had their scores worked out for them.

was soon wrestling with totting up Body Mass Indexes and switching heights from feet and inches to metres while hearing my wife announce "I am not going to tell the whole world if I'm happy with my sex life or not".

Questions like that were supposed to represent our lives today, but a whole raft of life-reducing ailments, disabilities and our present pill culture - both essential or faddist - went unchallenged.

More amusing ways of changing people's lives came in What Not To Wear On Holiday (BBC1, Tuesday) where ever slimmer Trinny and Susannah tormented scores of women who spend two weeks looking like burst cushions on the beach. "I hope you're not suggesting I look like that... and look at the state of her husband, they're like ancient hippies," said my ageless style guru as mother-of-four Marie struggled to give up her Doc Marten boots and pig-tailed appearance she'd had since schooldays.

Worse was Claire, nicknamed the she-man, who enjoyed a macho relationship with her boyfriend complete with football kit and bandanna. Not only did the troublesome twosome of fashion re-dress their style victims but they also followed them on holiday and forced total strangers to strip off and try on new outfits in Tenerife.

I'm not sure who should be locked up out of Trinny and Susannah and the outrageous garments they detest.

"Nah, nah, nah, nah, na, your father can't write about my rude remarks on this programme because he's already interviewed George Clarke," my wife told the family as Build A New Life In The Country (five, Thursday) continued in its attempts to eclipse Gordon McCloud's Grand Designs on C4. I'm all in favour of amiable architect and presenter Mr Clarke, probably because he's from Washington, Tyne & Wear.

His subject of finance director Jeremy spending something like £700,000 turning three Cotswolds cottages into a luxurious home bears no relation to the real world of worries where £200 decorating projects can knock a hole in your holiday budget.

"I hope he runs out of money and is stuck with the original avocado green bathroom suite," said my wife, who has been lumbered with variations on a green theme for 20 years.

And as for the result of the great age debate... "I come out with it saying I'm 3.4 years younger and you end up at 4.3. Trust you to be a damn year younger," said Mrs Green Theme.

Published: 23/07/2005