Bit On The Side

OMEN OF THE DAY

ENGLAND kick-off against Germany on Saturday at 7.45pm - but if you work by the 24 hour clock that is 19.45. Which, of course, is the last time we beat them.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"The tide is now very much in our court." - Kevin Keegan, speaking after the Portugal game on Sky.

MEDIAWATCH

THIS is how the men in the media reported the England v Portugal game yesterday:

"Port and lemons! Keegan left on the rocks as his boys are squeezed dry" (The Sun)

"This was the England we expected of Kevin Keegan. Thrilling to watch in attack, but nerve-shredding defence... Unfortunately, like Newcastle, they came second." (Independent)

"Seldom has a team lurched from such early promise to such abject disappointment." (Telegraph)

"Kevin Keegan's reputation as a purveyor of dangerous, cavalier football was restored, but at a heavy price." (Times)

"The chemistry between England's lethal directness and Portugal's languid probing created an enthralling contrast." (Guardian)

"Put in terms of military history, England's expeditionary force went from the Battle of Waterloo to the Charge of the Light Brigade in the space of 90 tumultuous minutes." (Mail)

"Outplayed, outclassed, outthought, Out? Keegan tastes port 'n whine. The cruel Figo of fate for Kev". (Mirror)

Most of which is understandable, but then there was an inside piece in the Times which began: "Kevin Keegan, like Voltaire's hapless hero, Candide, lives an existence in which he always assumes that he is inhabiting the best of all possible worlds."

LOOKALIKE

Poseidon/Abel Xavier

A striking resemblance between the men with three points: Poseidon helped Portugal hold onto three points for their win over England whereas Xavier, the Greek god of the sea, usually held a trident with three points on it.

MARKS OUT OF TEN

MOST newspapers mark the players' performance out of ten. Compiling an average gives an idea of how Fleet Street's finest (and Priestgate's best) saw the game:

Seaman: 6.3: Lowest mark of 5 from Guardian who said he "again looked uncertain on crosses".

Gary Neville: 6.16: Lowest of 5 from the Mail who said he "failed to support Beckham".

Adams: 6: Lowest of 5 from the Echo who said he "struggled to cope".

Campbell: 6.3: All sixes and sevens, and often at sixes and sevens.

Phil Neville: 6.16: Two fives. The Guardian said he "does not look the part at international level".

Beckham: 8.16: Two nines. "The only creative force equal to that of Rui Costa and Figo," said the Mail.

Ince: 6.16: An 8 from the Guardian - "forced England forward admirably" - but undone by the Echo's 4 - "possibly his worst game for England".

Scholes: 7.5: Eights and sevens. "Did everything he could to keep England in the game," said the Sun.

McManaman: 6.83: Two eights but a six from the Mail who accused him of "drifting out of the game".

Shearer: 5.83: Respectable figures sunk by the Mail's 4. "All the fears proved true," it said.

Owen: 6.16: Respectable figures sunk by the Guardian's 4. "Could not control the ball when it came to him," it said.

COMMENTATOR'S COCK-UP

"Steffen's a great jumper," said David Pleat yesterday evening confusing Iversen, the Norwegian with a warming piece of knitwear.

l The Bit on the Side welcomes your contributions. Send us your commentator's cock-ups, lookalikes, witty observations and bar-room barracks. A star letter or e-mail wins £10, a copy of Angus Loughran's Euro 2000 stat-packed book and a copy of UEFA's Official Euro 2000 CD which features Jerusalem by Fat Les and the tournament theme Campione 2000. Send your contributions to The Bit on the Side, Features Dept, The Northern Echo, Priestgate, Darlington DL1 1NF or e-mail clloy