OF all the things to forget before setting off on a voyage - my toothbrush. It meant a hurried departure from our ship into Malaga.

After taking in a few worthy attractions on the way, later I found myself in a chemist's gesticulating madly in a toothbrushing fashion to a somewhat bemused shopkeeper. It did the trick. Seconds later I was presented with my requirement and left pleased with my communication skills.

Back on board, the Black Watch soon set sail for Morocco and I began to take in my new surroundings - air-conditioned cabin with window, TV, sofa bed, bowl of fruit, wardrobe and - much to my approval - a bottle of champagne.

Venturing further on the ship owned by Fred Olsen Cruise Lines, I discovered a gym, cinema, hair stylist's, night club, library, sauna, two cafes and five bars. It wasn't long before I started sampling them. A few pints later and I made my way to a very plush restaurant, featuring five-course meals and a wine list that read like a Chelsea FC squad profile.

Around me everyone is two or three generations older. It seems cruise ships - well, this one anyway - attract the retired. Which is fine for them, but not if, as in my case you are young...ish.

I returned to the Piper's Bar where the barman served me without asking what I wanted. Is this good or bad, I wonder?

There is plenty of entertainment on board. On that first night the Neptune Lounge featured international ventriloquist John Bouchier and the distinctive vocal style of Steve Ray. But other choices included the Braemer Room ( cocktail music with John Grace), Observatory Lounge (the melodies of Anna Tina), Lido Lounge (music and song with Plus One) and The Star Night Club, with resident disc jockey Derek.

I awoke the following morning to a view of Casablanca docks bathed in mid-morning sunlight. Workmen busied themselves with tea and cigarettes, cranes loaded crates onto ramshackle ships, rust and rats moved as slow as time in a land that time forgot.

The daily life of the working city continued as I ventured into the centre where rows of tradesmen lined the walls, each displaying the tools of their trade. Plumbers with taps and spanners, sparkies with wires and pliers, plasterers, builders, painters and decorators. It was like a medieval Yellow Pages, only your legs do the walking.

Casablanca's piece de resistance is the mosque Hassan II built on land reclaimed from the sea, because "God's throne is on the water" - a must see.

Boasting the tallest minaret in the world at 200m, it has a capacity for 20,000 people - with space for a further 80,000 in the courtyard - and the sea can be viewed through a glass floor.

The next day we travelled on, with guides, to the Moroccan capital, Rabat, to visit the Royal Palace, the Hassan Mosque and Mohammed V Mausoleum and the Medina, before enjoying a cup of Moroccan tea then back on board.

That night it was the captain's dinner with cocktails beforehand. Suggested dress: "Dark suit and tie or dinner jacket." Oh dear. I had fallen foul of an under-provided wardrobe.

I made my way to the Piper's bar, feeling somewhat conspicuous in my cream trousers, shirt and cream jacket. Luckily the bar was empty, and again I got served without asking.

Two couples filed in, the men wearing dinner jackets, the women in evening dresses. Soon the bar was full - every man in a smart DJ. If I had a 16ft foot neon sign balanced on my head flashing the word "underdressed" I wouldn't have stood out any more.

I got another drink and eavesdropped. "Aperitif of the day," a "gentleman" bellowed at the barman. An ostentatious woman trumpeted: "Did you know the other day I saw a man actually rolling his own cigarettes!"

I rolled a cigarette and decide to switch to whisky. Double whiskies, before the time came to go through for cocktails and meet the crew.

I had gathered this involved getting a cocktail and then spending ages in a queue at the end of which you shook hands with strangers in white uniforms. I ordered another whisky. Sitting at the bar, I contemplated my misfortune. I was a man hopelessly underdressed in a sea of DJs and there was only one thing to do about it. I ordered another whisky.

It wasn't long before feelings of conspicuousness were replaced by a comfortable feeling of indifference.

I made my way to the restaurant, the roll of the ship (honest) causing me to sway from side to side as I struggled to follow a straight line. I had decided to make an early night of it and relax in my cabin but was disturbed by the giggles of two young women next door.

Hold on a minute, I thought. Two young women. All I needed was to find some excuse to go next door.

I scoured my brain and the cabin for something - anything - that would get me in. Bingo!

I knocked on the door and feverishly waited. It opened. "Hullo. I'm staying in the cabin next door. I wondered if you'd like to help me drink this bottle of champagne." It worked.

The next day we arrived at Funchal, the capital of the Portuguese colony, Madeira, built across the slopes of a mountain range rising to 1200m amidst rich subtropical vegetation, and an opportunity to do some wine tasting.

Then it was on to Reid's Hotel, a great British institution, for another institution, afternoon tea.

Sadly, my shabby wardrobe let me down again. The sober looking doorman, looking me up and down, sombrely and slowly shook his head and refused me entry.

That afternoon I began my long journey home. When driving out of Gatwick airport car park I turned on the radio. "What a lovely sunny bank holiday weekend," announced the DJ. "Did you know that the temperatures in Ilfracombe, Devon, were actually higher than in Casablanca, Morocco?"

FACTFILE

Stuart flew from Gatwick to Malaga and embarked on Black Watch for the Mediterranean cruise taking in Casablanca, Funchal, Porto Santo in Portugal (port at anchor), Vigo in Spain, Guernsey (port at anchor) and Dover.

Sample prices for Fred Olsen Cruises are: Malaga to Dover, ten nights in April, £1,800

Grand Mediterranean, 56 nights in March and April, £8,930

Fjord Highlights, Norway, seven nights in May, £1,230

Rome to Larnaca, 24 nights in May, £4,200

The guided tour to Rabat costs £18 per person.

For cruise details please call (01473) 292222.