I should have known better. Getting boys to do what you ask them to do is impossible. Getting them to do more than that is nothing short of a miracle.

We went away for a few days, just the two of us, abandoning the boys to their own devices. We read the usual Riot Act and list of Don'ts (mainly to do with parties, orgies and not annoying the neighbours), and I had a secondary, minor list.

It went something like this:

Remember to bring the milk in and put it in the fridge.

Put the dustbins out on Tuesday morning,

do the washing up

Tidy up and put the Hoover on before we come back

Remember to switch the grill off.

And, pausing only to put a second alarm clock into Senior Son's room, to get him up at 5am for the pie factory, off we went.

I don't suppose it helped, really, that on the morning we left, the papers were full of stories of one of those teenage parties held when parents were away. Gatecrashers had trashed the place, doing £10,000 worth of damage. The returning parents were living in a tent on the lawn because there was literally not one room in the house that was habitable.

One look at that and I wanted to turn straight round and go back, but I resisted the temptation and calmed myself by ringing them instead.

It all went very well. We had a jolly time in Wales, the weather was reasonablish i.e. the clouds were light grey and it never actually rained in day time. We rang home each night and while we were away the man came to fit the Sky dish, so the boys were watching wall to wall wrestling and were perfectly content, urging us to stay away as long as we liked.

On the way home, we rang them to give them a four hour warning of our arrival. As we came round the corner, my heart gave its first sigh of relief - the house was still standing, no windows broken, no police cordons round the front garden. Good start. I even dared to wonder if they'd done everything on my list.

Well sort of.

They'd brought the milk in alright, but not put the empties out.

They had taken the dustbins out on Tuesday - but not brought them back in by Friday.

They'd done the washing up - but not the wiping up or putting away.

They'd tidied up and Hoovered round, and to prove it, they had left the Hoover right by the front door so we tripped over it when we came in.

I don't know if they'd remembered to switch the grill off, but the handle of the grillpan had mysteriously melted in two and was tied together with insulating tape.

The boys said they didn't know what I was moaning about. They'd done everything I asked, hadn't they?

Yes of course they had. And at least we haven't had to live in a tent...