THE clear-up rate for crime in soapland has improved dramatically this week as guilty parties queue up at the police station to turn themselves in. First Jim McDonald owned up to beating bad boy Jez to a pulp in Coronation Street. Then EastEnders' Dot Cotton, guilt-stricken over helping old pal Ethel die, told the police what she'd done.

Jim's behind bars on a man-slaughter charge. He thumped Jez in retaliation for having Jim's son Steve done over for grassing him up. In some circles putting Steve in intensive care would earn the perpetrator a medal. But justice is always rough in soaps although no more realistic than the wobbly cells and wobblier grasp of the dialogue in Prisoner Cell Block H.

Producers realise that banging up a soap favourite not only attracts viewers but provides a handy way of getting rid of any actor who complains about pay and conditions. Moan too much and they're sent down for years, never to be seen again except in repeats on UK Gold.

When Deirdre Rachid was jailed for a crime she didn't commit makers Granada TV carefully fostered the Free The Weatherfield One campaign to ensure maximum publicity. Even Tony Blair, in the days when he had no petrol crisis to worry about, mentioned Deirdre's plight.

The bespectacled offender's continual cries of "I'm innocent" did nothing to endear her to warders. What with that and being locked in a cell with loud-mouthed Jackie Dobbs, played at full volume by Margi (Good Sex Guide) Clarke, it's a wonder she didn't plead for the electric chair.

If I were locked up in a women's prison - which would be an interesting if unusual occurrence - I wouldn't want to be in the bunk underneath big Pat Evans from Walford. The blonde EastEnder zeppelin was sentenced to six months for knocking down and killing a teenager girl while drunk in charge of her taxi. No question of her squeezing out through the bars.

Her cell in Walford nick was later taken by Cindy Beale, who'd decided hiring a hit man was a more efficient way than divorce of ridding herself of husband Ian. Pregnant Cindy later died in childbirth in prison.

Brookside's Beth Jordache never lived to walk free either. She died of a heart ailment nobody knew she had - until actress Anna Friel asked to be written out. Fans complained it was a cop-out after the build-up to the story of Beth and her mother Mandy being jailed for killing wife-beater and child-abuser Trevor Jordache and burying his body under the patio.

Brookside, as fans of the Scouse soap know, is a very dangerous place to live. Many residents have been in and out of prison like the proverbial yo-yo although bad boy Barry Grant was never brought to book for pushing Sue and her baby Danny to their deaths from the top of scaffolding. Mick Johnson has been done for assault and mercy killing. Jimmy Corkhill spent several months behind bars for drug-dealing. Luke Musgrove of the awful Musgrove family was put away for rape.

Police will be back in the Close next month to investigate the murder of Susannah Morrissey. The usual suspects - and let's face it, everyone in the Close has reason to bump off dislikable Susannah - will come under suspicion during a week-long series of episodes next month. She's engaged to Mick, sleeping with Darren and annoying everyone else so the list of possible killers will be a long one.

In EastEnders, the Mitchell brothers have spent remarkably little time behind bars considering their anti-social behaviour. Unlike Arthur Fowler. He received 28 days in jail, and a nervous breakdown, for "borrowing" from the Christmas club fund to finance daughter Michelle's wedding reception. The long arm of the law reached out and grabbed Arthur again to send him down for embezzlement. His previous conviction made him the obvious suspect when money raised for the Flowering Wilderness campaign went missing. This time he was innocent. Willy Roper did it. No consolation for Arthur who, shortly after his release, died from an injury he received in prison.

Long before Big Brother's Nick it was another Nasty Nick who went on a crime spree in EastEnders. Nick Cotton was responsible for the murder of Reg Cox in the first episode, he was behind the killing of Queen Vic landlord Eddie Royle and tried to poison his own mother Dot Cotton. He went to prison on a drug-related offence.

EastEnders tried to rival Deirdre's prison ordeal with the Saskia murder storyline. Steve Owen's unhinged ex-girlfriend turned nasty on Valentine's Day and the E20 clubowner bashed her on the head with a handy ashtray after she attacked him. Then he persuaded young Matthew Rose to help bury the body and cover up her disappearance. They both ended up in the dock with lying Owen getting off and poor Matthew got seven years for manslaughter.

Crime isn't supposed to pay but in soaps the rewards are increased ratings which soar even higher when the accused comes before judge and jury. Jim McDonald's trail by television has only just begun.