SO INSIDIOUSLY have the years stolen by, that we can even remember the days at the Queens Head in Gainford when a monkey lived in a cage out the back. Whatever the monkey's name, Mickey probably, the landlady was called Elsie Naismith and she kept a very canny house.

Both are long gone. Mrs Naismith died in 1986, the monkey was probably rescued by animal vigilantes and released into the wild - Darlington on a Friday night is a possibility.

The Queens has been run for the past 13 years by Merle and Jim Batty, who've worked hard and imaginatively at it. Now there's only a rabbit and a Santa sleigh out the back, which (since sleighs are generally pulled by reindeer, not rabbits) are probably unconnected.

With so ponderous a weight of years, therefore, it was mildly surprising to turn up last Tuesday lunchtime and be the youngest customer - and by some way - in the pub

In one corner a plot of elderly gentlemen dressed in lounge suits had foregathered, discussing flowers and fertiliser and bests in show; in another a gossip of similarly aged ladies was lamenting the blessed weather.

Like the rain, they seemed to be in for the afternoon. The reason behind it all is probably why Ron Henderson, secretary of Hurworth's senior citizens club, wrote so enthusiastically to recommend the Queens - Monday to Saturday pensioners' specials are just £3.25, pudding £1.25, coffee 80p.

The fascinating thing is how they tell who qualifies. Do they demand to see a bus pass, or ask prospective customers what they were doing in 1936, or if they know their SERPS from their sell-by date?

Senior citizens' lunches may be from a menu that includes cod, several pies, braised steak and minced beef and leek pudding. The carte is more adventurous but almost always under £10 - salmon and shellfish in a light sherry and coriander sauce, perhaps, lamb with a red wine, tomato and basil sauce, pork fillet with a madeira and mustard sauce - but before we get carried away, a word of admonition and an old, old story.

A pint of Coke was £1.70. Whilst not so monstrous as the pub in Darlington where we'd played dominoes the previous evening - beer £1.25, Coke £1.60 - it is nonetheless indefensible. Wasn't it one of the things the government was supposed to be addressing?

A lone young lady worked the bar, acted as waitress and may also have been in charge of feeding the rabbit. Unchallenged on age or appearance - the late Denis Weatherly used to say there were three ages of man: young, middle aged and "My word, you do look well" - we ate from the blackboard.

There were 15 succulently breaded mushrooms, 13 of which ended up at the intended destination, one was swapped for a piece of the spicy chicken which accompanied The Boss's more-ish Caesar salad and a 15th which rolled beneath the banquette and (in truth) was allowed to remain there.

The Boss's fish and chips ("really light batter") was decreed very tasty, too. The pork tenderloin, great sides of it with a richly flavoured sauce, came with good chips and - in another dish - crisply cooked cauliflower, pea and red cabbage. The lot was just over £20, for two.

For those who unequivocally qualify, of course, the deal is better still. An advertisement in the porch was simply headed "Healer", but if folk can get out with their friends, eat well for around a fiver and - avoiding the Coca Cola - enjoy a highly relaxing afternoon, lunch at the Queens could surpass any medicine in the cabinet.

l Queens Head, Gainford, A67 between Darlington and Barnard Castle (01325 730958). No problem for the disabled. Senior citizens' lunches Monday to Saturday, happy hour 5-6pm - main meals £3.75, child free with every two adults.

RON Henderson, aforesaid, also inveigled us into addressing his members, appropriately in the Hadwin Room at Hurworth Grange. Arnold Hadwin, in whose honour it is named, was the editor who first gave me a job and lives ruefully to tell the tale.

Thereafter to the Station at Hurworth Place, run for almost 30 years until June by Keith and Carol Archer - they retired to Fellby, The Wayside, Hurworth - and now by Tony and Kim Gill.

They're originally from Leeholme, near Bishop Auckland - Tony played Northern League football - but much travelled with the military. Happily, little seems to have changed save for the addition of a Courage Directors' font and some sandwiches behind the bar. The moose head, and Mac, remain fixtures.

YOU know how competitions have become no contest? Here's the latest brain teaser from the newsletter of Krimo's restaurant on Hartlepool Historic Quay: What is Algeria's national dish - 1. Beans on toast, 2. Couscous, 3. Roast beef and Yorkshire pudding. The winner receives a £25 meal voucher

SOMETHING else to chew upon, perhaps, last week's column carried an old ad for Mercer's Meat Stout and invited enlightenment.

Tom Purvis in Sunderland is still a bit in the dark, but offers some alternative liquid lunches, anyway. There's Penguin Stout from Sussex, Kangaroo Bitter (full of hops) from the Isle of Wight or - "if you prefer something with a bit of a kick" - Stallion, from the Hambleton Brewery near Thirsk.

Then there's Duckling, Friar Duck and DA ("I haven't seen one of those for years") from, of course, the Mallard Brewery in Nottingham and Pig's Ear from the Gribble Brewery in Sussex.

"For one or two over the eight," adds Tom, "you could always try Hedgehog, Sheepdog, Coyote, Old Speckled Hen, Dog's Bollocks...."

Thanks, but probably we'll stick to Strongarm.

ERIC Smallwood, up to his elbows in the Eighth Middlesbrough Beer Festival (Town Hall, October 26-28) regrets that there'll be no Meat Stout. There will, however, be Titanic Stout from Stoke-on-Trent, Broughton Oatmeal Stout ("and that's quite meaty) from the Scottish borders and Kitchen Brewery's Raisin Stout, made in a former pickling shed in Huddersfield - plus 60 other real ales.

The Turks Head in Darlington has seen many changes since Jack Caley and then Tony Elsom had it all those years ago, not least that Jack and Tony could probably spell. "Hungery?" asks the board outside, promising hot and cold food at £2.50 and service "at the doubble." The oddest thing is that nothing's £2.50, usually a few bob more. Still the vegetarian "crispy combo" (£3.25) and the gammon steak (£3.99) were both perfectly decent and took 18 minutes to arrive (or 36 if you doubble it). Impressed? Spellbound.

....and finally, the bairns wondered if we knew what happened to the egg in the monastery. It went out of the frying pan and into the friar.