Alan Shoulder, one of the North-East's most respected footballers, has been sent off at the age of 47 - after telling the unsighted referee that he deserved to go.

It is a story, alas, of dark deeds on a filthy day at Stanley United's legendary Hill Top ground.

Shoulder, the diminutive former miner who became a hero with Newcastle United and Blyth Spartans, is said twice to have punched opposing player Paul Brown - known universally as Porky. He claims to have been threatened first.

"You're 47, too old for fighting," said referee Chris Murphy.

"Aye, and I'm too old to get a bloody good hiding an' all," said Alan.

In Co Durham parlance it's what's known as getting in the first bat.

The set-to happened in a Durham Challenge Cup match between Stanley - for whom Shoulder still plays occasional games - and Dunston Federation Brewery It continued in the dressing room - after both had been sent off - and finally spilled out into the car park.

Though Durham FA will hold a hearing, Alan - now an egg dealer at Leasingthorne, near Bishop Auckland - is prepared to admit his guilt.

"I will be writing to Durham FA to apologise," he says. "The referee wasn't going to send me off because he hadn't seen it but I don't want to get away with it. I'll take whatever comes.

"I don't go around looking for trouble from anybody, but if trouble's there I won't run away from it."

Referee Murphy, from Newton Aycliffe, says in his report that Shoulder was "clearly in an aggressive rage.

"He stated that he should be shown the red card as he had struck his opponent with two blows, but only after he had received one punch himself."

Alan, back to his usual gentlemanly self, even defends his opponent. "The only thing he did wrong was to threaten me, and he also wanted to have me in the car park afterwards."

The game exploded in the 82nd minute after Shoulder's boot caught Brown in the chest. United secretary Vince Kirkup insists it was accidental.

"No foul was given, Porky ran into his foot. It was like a rugby scrum after that and next thing I knew, Porky was on his backside.

Brown was sent off first before Shoulder, now charged, made his remarkable confession. "The fog and the rain were horrible, the worst I've seen in 20-odd years at Stanley, it's quite understandable that the referee didn't see," says Vince.

"Alan Shoulder is a lovely lad who's always willing to help us out and I'll now be happy to try to help him.

"He was the smallest player on the field. In pitman's terms, Porky Brown got his bait put up for him."

That little story was kicking enthusiastically around Tow Law FC's dinner, Graham Kelly the speaker, at the Three Tuns in Durham on Friday.

Lawyers chairman John Flynn - himself a solicitor - not only auctioned his now-familiar VIP day out at the breathtaking Ironworks Ground but also an offer to draw up the highest bidder's will without charge. What's known as a free will offering, is it not?

Speaking of combative little so-and-so's, the last ever Stable Lads Welfare Trust boxing tournament was held at the London Hilton last night.

They've been at it for 100 years. Among the problems now is that most of the lads are lasses.

"I suppose they're looked upon as fairly fiery creatures, little Jack Russells always ready for a scrap," says Raye Wilkinson, for 22 years the Trust's Middleham-based northern organiser.

In 1978 there were 130 contestants, fights in three eliminating rings at Chelsea barracks and a black market for tickets. The 1,200 crowd raised £100,000 for the Trust.

This year there were 18 entries and they hope to raise £50,000. A table collection at the 1999 event raised £5,500 for injured Fishburn jockey and former boxer Scott Taylor.

Raye even has a photograph of Gordon Richards as a young boxer. "It's ironic really, here we are concerned for their welfare and encouraging them to knock hell out of one another."

Middleham had three fighters at the last bell - David Gregory and Mark Salvidge from Chris Thornton's yard and Patrick Trainor from Mark Johnson's - all trained by Trevor Craggs and Lol Degnan at Darlington boxing club. "They," says Rate, "have been absolutely fantastic."

On Saturday to Stafford Place cricket club's awards night, bar bills largely funded by "fines" imposed during the season.

Sometimes, sadly, such things may seem a little draconian - like when bowler Dave Metcalfe was taken to hospital after being hit over the eye by a crashing return.

He was fined on three separate counts - dropping the catch, leaving the field and failing to bat. "I could have accepted dropping the catch," he said.

Team mates are also expected to chip in 50p apiece when a player scores 50 - a rule recently changed. Until then, the hero was himself penalised.

"We wondered why so many of our batsmen were getting out on 49," said Dave.

Stafford Place is well hidden in Thornaby-on-Tees, the club named after a 19th century pottery that prospered thereabouts.

The Saturday team had had a pretty good season, the Wednesday night boys promoted to B Division of the Middlesbrough Midweek League for the first tie since 1994 - when they were relegated to Division H for forgetting to attend the annual meeting.

The Forcett and District darts and dommies league, memory suggests, employs a similarly fearful aide memoire.

Ches Simpson took the Saturday batting and players' player awards, Steve Hollis the bowling.

His grandfather's cousin was Stan Hollis, the only D-Day VC and also mentioned - one of life's little coincidences - in today's Eating Owt column.

Gary Sexton won the midweek batting, our talkative old friend Brent "Bomber" Smith - once with half the cricket clubs in Co Durham - the bowling.

"He always puts in that I'm loquacious but never that I'm the nicest bloke he ever met," complained Bomber.

He's 48, bowled 92 overs and claimed 39 wickets at 8.8. Some things speak for themselves.

AND so on Sunday night to the bash at Redworth Hall to mark Ray Gowan's ten years as manager of Shildon FC. "It doesn't seem a day too long," he insisted.

Among other guests was Phil Owers, long Shildon's goalie but perhaps remembered for two lengthy spells at Darlington and a very much shorter one at Hartlepool United.

Now 45 and insistent that his only sporting activity would be on the golf course, Phil has been persuaded into the Over-40s League by Ferryhill Greyhound, three wins in three games with him back between the posts.

On Saturday they won 1-0 at Marden, a division higher, thanks to his 85th-minute penalty save. "I fell on it," he says modestly.

The ref was former Football League whistler Ken Redfearn, still wearing his trademark tights, the opposition included Wallsend publican Tommy Sword - almost 300 games in Stockport County's central defence - and five times capped England amateur international Dave "Jock" Rutherford, the column's all-time hero.

Jock's now 56, reduced to a subs' bench cameo at the end. "He only played for ten minutes but looked pretty useful," says Phil, loyally. "Perhaps next time they'll give him 15."

Friday's column which popular catch-phrase had originated from radio coverage of live football in the 1920s - "back to square one", a reference to the grid of the pitch printed in the Radio Times.

Chris Willsden in Darlington today seeks the identity of four Albany Northern League teams whose full names begin and end with the same letter.

Back to square one again on Friday