Graham Kelly, 55 tomorrow. "I left the FA as I arrived, fired with enthusiasm."

Bulldog Billy Teesdale, last Christmas given an Only Fools and Horses alarm clock which each day (inexplicably) greets him with "Wake up, you plonker."

Charlie Walker, 60, Demon Donkey Dropper of Eryholme, flooded out yet again.

Garry Gibson, outsize former chairman of Hartlepool United. "The only reason they haven't put up a statue of me is they haven't enough bronze."

Mick Henderson, 65, refereed 150 Durham area football matches last season.

Gordon Nicholson, 74, sold referee Barry Sygmuta £1 worth of half-time meat draw tickets at Evenwood after he'd called off the match an hour before kick off.

Hails of Hartlepool: ageless, priceless.

Patch (of Hartlepool). Ron's mentor. Aged 105 in doggy years.

Bill Smith, 76, still playing bi-weekly five-a-side football at the Dolphin Centre, Darlington.

Jock Rutherford, 56, All-Time Hero. Uncomfortably occupying the subs' bench.

Norman Sturman, 65, adjudged out LBW for 1 by an umpire known as Sicknote after 35 years with Haughton CC.

Jack Watson, 80 next, semi-retired cricketer from headquarters.

Anniversaries: Redcar and Etherley Cricket Clubs, both 150; Ferryhill Wheelers 75 (next); George Hardwick, 80; Northern Alliance, 110; Bearded Wonder, 25 years as Durham County Cricket Club's scorer; John Laundy of Ingleton, batting for 50 years in the Darlington and District; Over 40s League, 20 - "we've come a long way since people came to laugh at the pot bellies" - Ray Gowan, ten years manager of Shildon FC. "The real sign of old age is being named in a programme that cost three old pence," he said.

I still have to go to the bank and the grocery store, it's not like being on holiday" - former Middlesbrough centre half Bill Gates, on life as a tax exile in the Cayman islands.

"I don't believe you get anywhere with poor goalkeepers, and at this club we're lucky enough to have two" - Hartlepool United manager Chris Turner.

"He couldn't lay concrete like I can, or call the bingo numbers" - Spennymoor United chairman Barry Hindmarsh compares himself with his Manchester United opposite number.

"We've been recommended to Tow Law" - producer seeking to recreate Red Star Belgrade's stadium for a film about the Busby Babes.

"Now you've seen him in the flesh, you know there's nothing wrong with your television" - after dinner speaker on fellow guest Graham Kelly (above).

"I'm a non-drinking darts player, you don't get many of those" - Durham County team member Dawn Hamer, from Ferryhill.

"What, him that makes the crisps" - overheard in the Britannia in a conversation about former England cricketer Derek Pringle.

"This year is no different, with the series visiting Ireland for the first time" - Croft autodrome's year book.

"Gan round him man, aa'll pay for the petrol" - Horden FC fan urges his forward to take on heavyweight Evenwood goalkeeper Stephen Rutherford.

"What, of September?" - the incomparable Peter Lax from Billingham, told that Easter fell on the 23rd.

Ushaw Moor bookies runner's son Jimmy Shoulder, 53, as a jockey in the Lingfield Amateur Riders Handicap (Class F); Darlington Harrier Ian Barnes, 65, in the English athletics team ("the secret is not to stop" he said); Ferryhill lad Phil Nixon, 44, in the English darts team, Sheffield Wednesday goalkeeper Chris Stringer, played the week previously against the Wensleydale League, following Kevin Pressman's dismissal after 13 seconds; e-mail, bless it.

Hodgy and Co from Spennymoor Boxing Academy, in an appeal against ABA suspension. ("The Spennymoor two walk in York," he said).

Darlington RFC, 107-8 against Keighley.

"Hartlepool John" Dawson, 284 football matches last season.

Durham City Strollers, 10-9 on penalties against Langley Park Rams Head in the Over-40s League Cup, after scoring just ten all season.

Glaisdale cricket Darren Harland, with a seasonal batting average of 314.5.

Newton Aycliffe referee Terry Heilbron, retiring after five Wembley appearances in four seasons.

Storm Brackenberry, named after a character in a Wilbur Smith book, among the young heroines in Richmond school's hockey team that reached the national semi-final.

William Reuben Applegarth, Guisborough lad, 4x100m relay, 1912 Olympics, Stockholm.

Shuttle and Loom FC, Darlington, fined £50 for watching Aston Villa v Darlington instead of playing their league match (which was postponed, rain.)

Somerset against Yorkshire at Scarborough (and had three players receive parking tickets).

Darlington Referees Society, narrowly failed to persuade the council that their 80th anniversary was more worthy of a flower bed than Christ's 2000th birthday. "It was a very close decision," said the council.

Roy Keane. "He's paid 50 thousand quid and he scores for Real Madrid," sang the Arsenal fans.

Victoria Park, aged six, Darlington FC's mascot in the 1-0 defeat by Northampton. "When we were thinking of names Hartlepool played at the Victoria Ground," pleaded her dad.

Napoleon, Hereford United's bovine mascot, when coitus was abruptly and terminally interrupted.

Newcastle United. Told Bedlington Terrier John Milner's wife to leave the directors' room on account of being a woman.

Paul "Porky" Brown, second best to Alan Shoulder on Stanley hill top.

The Durham clergy cricket team (eternally), the brainless Britannia B 5s and 3s team (ditto).

"Darlo John" Goodall, groundhopper, sold four pairs of Peterborough United slippers for £10. "Since they beat us in the play-offs I don't even like Peterborough," he said.

Dave Metcalfe of Stafford Place Cricket Club, Thornaby, taken to hospital with head injuries after missing a difficult return catch and fined under local rules for a) dropping it b) leaving the field without permission and c) failing to bat when needed.

Kevin O'Beirne of Sunderland, organiser of the Random Premier League, threatened to deduct three points from anyone wishing him a happy new millennium. (It's a week on Monday, he insists)

Kenny Symons, 45, went the entire season with Wheatley Hill Over-40s without a booking. "Referees must be getting soft," he said.

Five-times British lightweight champion Maurice Cullen, Shotton lad, fighting fit after a quadruple heart by-pass.

Unnamed Murton FC player, cast removed and broken arm protected by two pairs of shorts and an Asda carrier bag, brought on to replace club chairman Tom Torrence, 54.

Retiring football referee Alan Wilkie, carried off at Wembley. "I was determined to go out properly, not on a stretcher," he said.

Darlington RFC colt Adam "Basher" Bates, 12, on the verge of county honours after overcoming Perthes disease, of the hip joints.

Billy Ayre, football manager and gentleman, fought and beat cancer.

Peter Downs, 43, travels from Warkworth to Sunderland to play in the Over-40s League, 18 months after a kidney transplant. "I feel a bit of a fraud," he said.

Graeme Hedley, formerly of Middlesbrough, Hartlepool and Darlington, undertook sponsored walk a week after seven-hour spinal operation.

Frank didn't want to come to Spennymoor. He thought we'd give him a bad name" - Hodgy on getting Mad Frankie Fraser to do the annual presentations.

"They used to say the RFU council consisted of 57 old farts. Now it's 63" - ex-England international Jeff Probyn on an extension to democracy.

"Gleghorm gets his mam" - Unibond League newsletter of how Seaham lad Nigel Gleghorn, now Witton Albion manager, has been looking close to home for a new goalie.

"I got hoyed out before I could get a word in" - Whitby Town manager Harry Dunn, after finding himself the subject of the referee's half-time jokes.

"Study support is specifically used for improving literacy and numerousy skills" - promotional literature for Sunderland FC's Centre of Excellence for Education.

"When are the Teletubbies on?" - two-year-old faced by a bank of bookies' television screens at Brough Park dog track.

"That's typical of some folk, they only come when we're top" - Middlesbrough fan after MI5 renegade David Shayler's return from France. (Boro had six points from two games).

"I don't think there was any particular malice against Tudhoe, it's just that their navigation was a bit hairy" - historian Tony Coia on the bomb which fell on the cricket field, Christmas Eve 1944.

London: Retiring FA referees director and Hartlepool lad Ken Ridden, who once kept goal for the Gays.

Blackpool: Brian London, 66, another Hartlepool lad. "I always worried about cauliflower ears so my dad taught me how to defend them. He never said owt about my nose, though."

Cardiff: Billy Ayre, Joe Stalin lookalike, since left the principality on principle.

Chippenham: FA Carlsberg quarter-final against Bedlington. "In two words, nothing," said Western League secretary Ken Clark, asked what the town was famous for.

Skelmanthorpe: Former Sunderland and England winger and London Palladium signer Colin Grainger.

Annan: For the FA Cup escape committee and annual Scotch pie-fest.

Blackburn: Alan Murray, Rovers returning. "The set-up here is simply tremendous."

Falkirk: Home of McCowan's Highland Toffee. Stenhousmuir v Northern League Select (aka Queen of the South).

Fleetwood: Highbury Stadium, the closest we ever got....

Chris Balderstone, 59, who in 1975 became the only man to play country cricket and league football on the same day.

George Armstrong, 56, Hebburn lad and Arsenal man.

Bryan Conlon, 57. Classic centre forward, Darlington and elsewhere. Canny dominoes player, too.

Dave di Marco, 57, stalwart of grass-roots football on Teesside.

Ray Kell, 66. Small in stature but a giant among snooker players.

Ted Maguire, Meadowfield lad and in Wolves' 1939 FA Cup final side.

Charlie Raine, 87, freeman of York and son of Shildon. Boxer, entertainer, gentleman.

Paul Roberts, 29. Billingham Synthonia footballer, from leukaemia.

Mark Saxelby, 31. Cricketer who smashed 181 on his debut for Durham County.

Roy "Rocky" Stephenson, 67. Billy Row footballer who played in the Ipswich side which won the first division in 1961.

Ken Williamson, represented Durham at football, cricket, squash and rugby, played in 1951 and 1954 Amateur Cup finals for Bishop Auckland and Crook, Lived in Norton, Stockton.

16 things that only Backtrack readers would ever have known:

The Nolan Sisters' mother used to serve the pies at Blackpool Mechanics; Lord Howard de Walden's father occasionally dined while wearing a suit of armour; Bob Wilson's middle name is Primrose; Tiger Woods' real first name is Eldrick; the Middleham-trained horse McGillycuddy Reeks is named after a range of hills in Ireland.

They love hot Vimto in Lancashire; the last bus from Thornton Watlass is at eight minutes to midnight, Palmerston Park, Dumfries, is the only British football ground named after a prime minister; there's a place near Houghton-le-Spring called Success; Yorkshireman William Hague was British heavyweight boxing champion in 1909 but became too fond of the drink; Non pedicari cupiunt - the motto of Richmond Mavericks FC - means "They don't like it up 'em."

Twenty Park Drive cost four shillings in 1972; Guisborough Cricket Club chairman Roger Barker also drives the Sir Nigel Gresley steam engine; entrants in the Much Wenlock Olympics had to compete naked to prove they were men; the first European to view Lake Chad came from Annan and the once celebrated Durham Boilers football team were named after the Spike Milligan book The Little Pot Boiler. As with so many of these things, no one has the first idea why.