OF course, it's a lie, a great big festive lie. Yet most parents of young children must admit they are guilty of propagating the myth that this fantasy figure exists.

Just one look at the delight on our youngsters' innocent, shining little faces at the mention of his name this Christmas, and how could we ever tell them otherwise?

But does any other parent feel, as I do, guilty? Because one day, of course, they'll find out the truth. And they may never forgive us.

For Bob the Builder isn't like any real-life workman I've ever met.

For a start, his bottom fits inside his trousers. And when anyone asks him if he can fix something, he doesn't shake and scratch his head before announcing solemnly: "It'll cost you.''

Bob smiles and says: "Yes I can''. The BBC's popular animated children's character doesn't stomp all over cream carpets in great big muddy boots.

He doesn't head off on holiday in the middle of a job, after ripping out your plumbing and knocking a great big hole in an outside wall. And I bet Bob's final bill bears a remarkable similarity to his original quote.

Yet I know, like every other parent, that I will keep up the deceit as my toddler rips open his Bob the Builder and Scoop the Digger presents on Christmas morning. Best not spoil it for him. He'll find out the truth soon enough.

I even found myself singing along to Bob's hit Christmas song this week: "Bob the Builder. Should we tell them? Bob the Builder. No we shan't.''

THE Scotch Corner Hotel on the A1 was found guilty of serving watered down spirits. In the same week, it was revealed almost one in ten licensed premises are cheating by serving cheaper brands than those on display. But guess who made these shocking discoveries? Not the customers, who hadn't noticed, but trading standards inspectors. Now some famous brand makers say they are putting additives, detected by a dipstick test, in their drinks to stop their customers being ripped off. But if no one can tell which is the cheap drink and which is expensive without carrying out a scientific test, I can't help wondering who really is doing the ripping off. Perhaps we should do our livers and wallets a favour this Christmas and go for the watered down cheap stuff. Would anyone notice the difference?

I HAVEN'T seen any controversial billboards featuring the naked Sophie Dahl. But I have seen countless pictures of the poster alongside newspaper articles demanding it be banned. And the perfume she advertises has been mentioned on radio and television news reports. Anyone who hadn't heard of it before will know it now. Thanks to a few hundred prudish complaints, this rather tasteful, arty poster is now the most successful perfume advert of the decade.

I'VE been trying to kick the habit for years. Writing cards to people you see every week is a waste of time and trees. And when you don't have the energy to scribble anything but your name to distant friends, you do wonder what the point is. Most men find it easy, they just don't bother. I read that former Coronation Street star Sarah Lancashire doesn't send any. So why couldn't I be strong like her? Then the Post Office warned the whole country had just about missed the last posting date. I thought that was my chance. But I kept getting cards and couldn't give up. As usual I sent the lot. Now I discover the Post Office loses a million letters each week. Next year, perhaps I'll just pretend I've posted them.

Happy Christmas - especially if you're a builder. It was only a joke, honest.

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