HAVEN'T we all, by now, seen enough pasty, mottled, quivering flesh to last a lifetime? And I'm not just talking about our nearest and dearest. The nude calendar is out-dated, it has had its day.

I just wish someone had told the ladies of Haydon Hunt in Northumberland, the latest local lasses to rip off their jackets, jodhpurs, and much else besides, in an attempt to raise money.

Of course, if it's money they're after, I'm sure there are many more cost-effective ways of eliminating foxes than setting out on horseback, dressed in expensive costumes with a pack of dogs. But that is obviously not the point.

For who can resist the lure of becoming a Miss January or Mr July in a naked glamour shot? There's hardly a rugby team, darts league, allotment association, pensioners' drop-in club or old time dancing troupe in the country that hasn't bared all.

The first nude Women's Institute calendar may have been daring, imaginative and witty, and raised thousands of pounds for cancer research. But that was two years ago. Hasn't anyone thought of a new fund-raising idea since?

How about asking us to pay them to keep their clothes ON?

YOUNG girls were reportedly asking chemists for the morning-after pill in advance of New Year's Eve parties, with the greatest demand being in the North-East. Health experts warn the powerful pill, now legally available over the counter for over 16-year-olds, is an emergency back-up, not a form of regular contraception. Of course the high number of unwanted teenage pregnancies in our region is not a good thing. But is the thought of youngsters casually popping into Boots on their way to a party to buy a stock of pills which will flood their body with strong hormones, making their womb unable to hold a foetus, really any better?

A NEW American law means flat dwellers face eviction for smoking. Now tobacco lovers in Britain fear the ruling could waft its way here. But before smokers get too worked up, perhaps they should consider this comment from a North-East fire officer this week after a 57-year-old man died in a blaze caused by a dropped cigarette. "Every fire-related death over the past 18 months on Tyneside and Wearside was the result of carelessly discarded cigarettes,'' he said. So who would be happy living in a flat next to a heavy smoker now?

OF all the revelations that emerged about the bravery and stoicism of passengers on the ill-fated BA flight to Nairobi, I was most intrigued by the reaction of rock star Bryan Ferry. As the plane dived out of control and everyone was convinced they were going to die, Ferry had the presence of mind to berate his teenage son for swearing. Perhaps it proves the point made in The Northern Echo letters page recently that, unlike in the film Billy Elliot, swearing in public has always been frowned upon in mining communities. Ferry, from such humble North-East roots, was obviously intent on keeping up such standards right to the end.

TV star Chris Evans says he and 18-year-old singer Billie Piper have not had sex - yet. Presumably he is planning to tell us when they do, which is more information than we need. But it does make me believe him when he says he doesn't notice any age difference, although there is 16 years between them. For Evans is acting like an over-excited schoolboy who can't believe his luck. And he's desperate to blab all to his mates.

FILM director Michael Winner has been photographed on a beach hand-in-hand with two beautiful blonde women half his age. What could ever have attracted them to this grey-haired, bloated 65-year-old multi-millionaire?

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