How a Mackem saw off a Magpie in leafy Surrey

A single bedroom flat, at any rate, would leave the buyer with £50 change out of £140,000.

So when Sunderland football nut Iain Gold relocated from Penshaw to the stockbroker belt - a three-bedroomed 1930s cottage close to Thames Ditton and Esher Golf Club and Old Cranleighians Rugby and Hockey Club - it seemed like a dream move to an ideal home.

What he'd not reckoned with was the folk next door - not so much the neighbour from hell as the neighbour from Newcastle.

That was eight months ago. They spoke on the first day, discovered rival allegiances and since then haven't exchanged a word - not a civil one, anyway.

"If you work on the Northern Echo you will be aware that the two sides don't speak. There is a lot of animosity," said Mr Gold, coldly, when Backtrack traced him to his office in London.

A fuller account of the wall to wall hostility, however, is given in 5573 - the Sunderland supporters club's southern branch magazine - in which Mr Gold writes of the extraordinary events in Thames Ditton on November 18, the day of the derby at St James' Park.

"He puts his black and white bath towel on the clothes line, I put my red and white bath towel on the clothes line. He drives a black BMW, I drive a red BMW.

"He takes his time mowing the lawn in his full Alan Shearer footy strip, I take my time mowing the lawn in my full Kevin Phillips footy strip.

"He's got a black and white dog, I haven't got a dog. They just don't come in red and white."

On derby day both exiles, appropriately dressed but still not speaking, watched events unfold on Ceefax.

Shortly after 3pm there's a banging on the wall, a joyful yelling and a chorus of "You're not singing in number two."

Speed had scored for Newcastle.

At approximately 4.23 Hutchison equalised, and the earth again moved in Thames Ditton. "The wall almost buckles, plaster falls from the ceiling - his ceiling," writes Mr Gold. A chorus of "You're not singing any more" is directed, loudly, at number three.

The reaction of other good life residents is unfortunately not recorded, though a similar scene is enacted eight minutes later - "the plant's gone, the lamp's gone, the can of Guinness has gone, the crisps have gone.".

"Can you hear in number three?" bellows the normally sober-suited chartered surveyor.

Then Sorensen saves Shearer's penalty. "Real Roy of the Rovers stuff," writes Mr Gold.

Whilst confirming that it's all true, however, he is reluctant to elaborate and now wishes to mark his coupon with a cross.

He claims not even to know his next door neighbour's name ("I think it's Jack") but insists that neither he nor his black BMW have been seen since November 18.

"I just thought he was a bit barmy to be honest with you," says Mr Gold. "Newcastle supporters are all the same, aren't they. You go abroad and you see them all over the place dressed like that.

"Probably he's looking for some plaster off his ceiling."

The column, alas, has been unable to get the Tyneside version of events or to discover how the other half lives. According to the electoral roll, however, the next door neighbour's definitely not called Jack.

After the Gold rush, at any rate, a final twist in the tale. Number 3 Weston Lodge, Thames Ditton has inexplicably been put on the market, and in one of the most sought after locations in Europe.

l A PS to all that from the Sunderland fanzine The Wearside Roar: the goalie's shirt in which Sorensen saved the day was auctioned at a charity dinner at the Alexandra in Grangetown, Sunderland. It raised £2,500.

On the day the Echo reported that a "bad taste night" had helped the Wheatsheaf in St Helen's Auckland raise £2000 for the Butterwick Hospice, there was a call from Bulldog Billy Teesdale.

"I'm king of the karaoke there," he reports. "A bit like Billy Fury."

His more plausible revelation, however, is that Evenwood Cricket Club's new pro next season will be Reynold McLean - brother of Nixon, who played for the West Indies shortly after learning all he knows under the Bulldog's tenacious tutelage.

Reynold's already played for West Indies A and the Board X1. "Nixon told him what a great bloke I was, he can't wait to meet me," says Billy.

It seemed provident to check the spelling of the new man's Christian name. "Dunno," says Billy, "just put Mr McLean."

Among those who witnessed Chris Waddle's return to Tow Law the other night was Billy Bell, the man who lured him up there in the first place.

Bill, among the most successful managers in Northern League history, recognised a rare talent in the 19-year-old signed from Wallsend Boys Club - but still had to learn how to deal with his mum.

"She rang me complaining that Chris had come home very upset because I'd been shouting at him," recalls Bill, now 65 and living in Bishop Auckland. "I told her I shouted at all of them.

"His mum would also come to matches sometimes, and give a real piece of her mind to anyone who dared criticise their Christopher."

Eventually, however, he managed to assuage the anxious parent. After just under a season at the Ironworks Ground, Waddle signed for Newcastle United and the rest (as they say) is history.

"I promised her I'd take care of him," says Bill. "Despite the bit shouting, I'd like to think that I did."

Alan Shoulder, another who successfully made the switch from Northern League to Newcastle United, played alongside Chris Waddle last Tuesday - his enthusiasm belying the fact that he'll be 48 next month.

The diminutive former miner, it may be recalled, last featured hereabouts on November 7 after an unfortunate incident in a Durham Challenge Cup match between Stanley United - whom occasionally he helps out - and Dunston Federation.

Alan was involved in a flare-up with Dunston player Paul Brown, 20 years his junior and widely known as Porky. Though he admitted twice hitting the Dunston man, the referee sent off Brown - and would have allowed his opponent to continue had Shoulder not (as it were) put his hands up.

The case has now been heard by Durham FA, Shoulder giving evidence on behalf of the man who later chased him round the dressing room. Brown was exonerated as a result, Shoulder received a fiveweek suspension.

"I've always been honest. I just felt I had to speak up for him," he says - and they thought that Paulo di Canio was a sportsman.

For a January night in Tow Law it was really quite balmy, the mercury possibly even above freezing. The only outfield player to follow the glove-wearing fad, indeed, was 23-year-old Scott Nicholson - the first Tow Law lad for almost 20 years to play on his native heath.

Brian "Foxy" Fowler, the last home-grown hero, turned out, too.

Poor Scott, as might be imagined, didn't escape the glove affair without his ears being similarly warmed. "It's just acclimatisation," he said.

The groundhoppers, great battalions of them among the 395 crowd, headed on Saturday to Home Park, Coldstream, for the Scottish FA Cup second round tie with Brechin City.

"The ground's behind the sign saying 'Toilets'," reports Hartlepool John Dawson, and Home Park may most kindly be described as homely.

Basically it's a public park with a roped off bit in the middle - no stand, no floodlights, no hard standing save for a public footpath and Saturday's only the second-ever programme, the first in 1991 when a Newcastle United side marked the opening of the clubhouse.

"We still had a great day," reports John, not least because he won the half-time whisky.

So how did a side so humble reach the Scottish FA Cup second round? Two byes, actually. The 6-2 defeat by Brechin was their first and last appearance.

A question to take the column full circle. Readers are invited to name eight footballers (there may be more) who've played for Newcastle, Sunderland and England.

We're back in the usual colours on Friday