Dad At Large

ALADDIN the rabbit needed a new girlfriend. As you may know, Aladdin has lost two girlfriends recently. Both called Jasmine, both died within weeks of moving in with him. Not his fault - just one of those things. Original Jasmine caught a stomach infection, substitute Jasmine contracted myxomatosis.

On vet's advice, Aladdin was placed in solitary confinement for three months before it was medically safe to bring in a new bunny girl. Sentence served, we drove him back to Bunny Burrows rabbit sanctuary at Richmond to choose a new mate.

It's a great system for getting a girlfriend. You're put in the middle of the floor with a female, do your best to have sex with her, and if she doesn't object too much, you're in business. A bit like a nightclub without the music.

Despite his vasectomy, Aladdin tried valiantly to make love to a succession of potential suitors, though usually at the wrong end.

Sophie didn't like his style of courtship one bit and chased him angrily round the pen. Harriet evidently had an even worse headache and bit him on the bum when he got too amorous. Zena simply gave him a "come anywhere near me and you're dead" look and Aladdin's future looked bleak.

Then he was paired with Tallulah. Tallulah's a black and white rabbit who is - to put it kindly - a bit of a fat lass. She's the one who became a national media star this week after The Northern Echo revealed that she'd once had cosmetic surgery - a tummy tuck - to remove an unsightly roll of fat.

Three-chins Tullullah just seemed happy to have a fella. She put up with Aladdin's sexual harassment and within half an hour they were snuggling up. Success!

The new-found friends were plonked in the same box for the journey home and all seemed well... until the car broke down on the dual carriageway. Steam belching from the bonnet and, afraid the car was about to catch fire, I ordered Mum, kids and rabbits to evacuate and stand on the grass verge.

We couldn't call the RAC (Rabbits And Children breakdown services) because we're not members. There was only one thing for it - fetch some water from the Scotch Corner Hotel half a mile away.

The receptionist was happy to help but could only come up with a silver tea-pot. You don't get much water in a tea-pot so it took six runs to quench the radiator's hissing thirst.

Hundreds of passing motorists must have wondered why a strange, red-faced man was running up and down the hard-shoulder, carrying a dribbling silver tea-pot. But no-one stopped to help. Perhaps they thought I was the only entrant in a sponsored tea-pot marathon. Eventually, the car - if not the Dad - was cool enough to set off again.

Hours after leaving Bunny Burrows, Tallulah (renaming her Jasmine would have been tempting fate) was finally allowed to explore her new home.

That's when the fur started flying. Tallulah decided to throw her considerable weight around and poor old Aladdin didn't know what had hit him. Whether it was the trauma of the journey, or the fact that she'd had time to discover he had some bad habits, I know not. But the relationship, like the car, had broken down badly.

An emergency call to Bunny Burrows led to a suggestion that both rabbits should be returned for a week to see if the experts could get them to bond. So, yet again, I drove the familiar route to Bunny Burrows, with Aladdin and Tallulah in separate boxes.

Quite frankly, it must be my turn for a breakdown very soon.

l Will Aladdin find true love with Tallulah in time for Valentine's Day? Don't miss the next exciting episode of Dad At Large.

THE THINGS THEY SAY

Jessica, aged seven, was explaining to her Grandma how to use a computer.

"Well, you just put your hand on the hamster..."

l The new book 'Dad At Large 2 - To Vasectomy And Beyond' is being put together now and will be on sale in May in association with The Butterwick Children's Hospice. Tickets for a special launch dinner at Hall Garth Country House Hotel near Darlington on May 30 will be on sale soon.

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