MOURNING time, and from Durham County RFU secretary Chris McLoughlin a dead reckoning selection of black edged condolence cards, an ageless exercise in mocking the afflicted.

Most concern West Hartlepool's exploits around the turn of the last century, not least the military bandwagon following the 6-3 County Cup final victory over Tudhoe in April 1900, before a 10,000 crowd at Westoe.

Tudhoe, the holders, were formed in 1884 but disbanded in 1904 when the ironworks closed.

Another card is "Sacred to the memory of South Shields" - beaten in the 1899 County Cup at the Victoria Field - a third marks the 1902/03 demise of Hartlepool Rovers, the oldest enemy of all.

"Death of the Rovers, interment tonight" it says, adding the well intentioned advice: "You may have a lump on West for the Old Tin Pot once more."

Shields, incidentally, joined the Northern Union in 1902, but folded two years later. "They were always held up as an example of what happens to those who join the Rugby League or, indeed, pay players," says Chris.

Some cards were double-sided, like West's County Cup final win over Sunderland in 1904 - that one wise before the event - and a splendid hiss and hearse job to commemorate Manchester City's first division defeat at Middlesbrough.

There was even a racing tip on the bottom: Wolfshall for the Lincolnshire Handicap (nap). Like City, it was nowhere.

ON any argument, of course, it is good, old fashioned, up-yours-mate gloating. Readers may even know the relevant biblical text from Matthew 7:3: "Why beholdest thou the gloat that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the gleam that is in thine own?"

These days the smugs' game is more refined, nothing more self-satisfyingly crafted than the new words to the Queen classic Bohemian Rhapsody sent (but not written) by Alan Archbold from Sunderland.

Inevitably it concerns Sunderland's victory at St James's Park. Time and space (in which the hymnist reminds us we are all dwellers) allows but a snatch - a knowledge of the original, and of Shearer's penalty miss, would be useful.

Oh Hutch's bolt of lightning,

Quinny's header frightening me!

(Tommy's diving, Tommy's diving, Tommy's diving, Tommy's diving).

OH NO!!

Magnifico!

I'm just a poor Mag, nobody loves me....

Since it's enormously well done, the complete version is available - without comment - in exchange for a stamped addressed envelope. For the moment, there is no more room for complacency.