CHEWING on last Friday about the Middleham trained handicapper Pies Ar Us - a horse with a bit of meat about it - the column observed that Darlington was "the pork pie capital of the world."

A challenge to Darlo's global supremacy immediately arrived from Hartlepool. We therefore arranged a local derby to ascertain which were the upper crust - a pie chart, as it were.

Hartlepool's cause is championed by Mr Arthur Pickering, who is something stupendous at Tyne Tees Television and as much a part of the furnishings in the Hartlepool United press box as the bit of wood that blocks the view.

Pies Ar Us is owned by Taylor's of Darlington, founded in 1924 and purveyors of exceedingly good growlers. Morrell's of York Road, Hartlepool, are even better, says Arthur - "my dad was in pies, so I know."

The only ones still more superior, he adds, are from a little shop in Skipton where they're hand made and individually numbered. "I'll have number three," a customer might say, and number three's time is up.

Arthur's claim is backed by Tyne Tees colleague Andy Kluz, who has been known to travel to Hartlepool from his home near Richmond for a farinaceous fix.

"The K2 of pies," says Andy. "They gain a unique and elusive piquancy when stored in the back poacher's pocket of my jacket."

Morrell's have been making them, originally in Scarborough, since 1872. Brian Morrell tells of his disappointment at only coming second to a butcher from Greatham in a local competition, until it was realised that the Greatham chap sold Morrell's pies, too.

The midweek match took place on Wednesday, the most fiercely contested derby since that little set-to in last season's third division play-offs.

We bought five of each, quartered them, asked 20 colleagues their preference.

Apart from one lamentable philistine (female) who reckoned that Marks & Spencer's were miles superior to either, both pies were enthusiastically encountered.

The outcome was overwhelming, however, though whether a foretaste of the Feethams set-to on March 10 we are reluctant to say. The Quakers should be worried, nonetheless: Darlington 5 Hartlepool 15.

THE rival fanzines have arrived, too, the Darlington mag Where's the Money Gone? almost black clad in its misery. "Probably the most morbid, depressing issue ever," says still-youthful editor Daniel King.

Worse, admits Daniel, "Pools are undeniably better than we are."

Successive writers demand to know what's going on, former leading scorer Marco Gabbiadini reckons the club was going "in a strange direction" and there's a familiar (if slightly inappropriate) adage about peanuts and monkeys.

Though the chairman promises better times, WTMG? isn't so sure. Daniel reckons the next issue may be the last - and he prints the number of Darlington Samaritans, as well.

THE real Monkey Business - the Hartlepool fanzine - is quite restrained, though there's a letter wondering if George Reynolds's claim to be aiming for the Premier division actually means the Premier division of the Unibond League.

The cover's splendid, too - the hippo, like the rest of us just trying to get a bit of football played, absolutely up to its eyes.

A NICE little quiz question from Where's the Money Gone? Apart from the remote possibility of the Cumbrians joining the Scottish League, why does it seem ever more likely that Darlington and Carlisle will be relegated together this season? An answer somewhere near the foot of the column.

ANOTHER of the column's horses to follow, last Friday's column also mentioned that Quixall Crossett's claim to all-time inadequacy had been questioned.

Trained near Bilsdale in North Yorkshire, QC has lost all 99 of his outings: many thousands await the hundredth.

A letter in The Observer, however, had suggested that Peggy's Pet, which made up the numbers in the 60s, had lost 111 races.

It's now been clarified: 17 of the 111, whilst no more successful, were in point-to-point events which don't count. Quixall Crossett, worst luck, is unequalled.

TUESDAY night's match at Chester-le-Street was enlivened by the presence of the Rev Frank Campbell, a Church of Scotland minister who produces long distance programmes for both Evenwood Town and Prudhoe Town, loves the Northern League and recently won the Match of the Day "Goal of the Month" competition. Frank, based near Jedburgh, flies out with his wife today to watch Real Mallorca against Atletico Bilbao, the break rather longer than had been envisaged.

Ever conscious of its budget, the BBC discovered that - even with the additional cost of accommodation - flight costs made it cheaper to stay for a week than a weekend.

"I wasn't going to argue," said Frank.

EVEN more interest than usual at Stockton Cricket Club in England's A's recent match with the Windward Islands: among the Islanders was Wayne Shillingford, whom they'd last seen when he was three.

Wayne's dad is Irvine Theodore Shillingford, Stockton's professional from 1977-79 and capped four times (average 31.14) by the West Indies. His cousin, Grayson Cleophas Shillingford, had a season at Thornaby.

Richard Thurston recalls that Irvine brought his wife, son and daughter over in 1978. "There are those here," he says, "who'll tell you they knew Wayne would make it even then."

VETERAN footballer Ged Hartley, who tangled with the young Vinnie Jones when South Bank played Wealdstone in 1986 - Backtrack, February 2 - faces another old adversary on Sunday.

In 1978 he played Northern League football against the still younger Chris Waddle, then with Tow Law. Now Waddle has signed for Over35s side Sheffield Mallen - who also include Imre Varadi and David Hirst - whilst Ged, 44, plays for six times national veterans' champions Billingham Strollers.

They meet at Billingham Synthonia's ground (2pm), admission free. Strollers hope for a record gate.

Ged reckons he's looking forward to it. "He helped Chris on his way up the ladder and it's highly likely he'll help him on the way down it, says Strollers' secretary Peter Hodgson. In a sporting manner, adds Peter, of course.

BACK to Middleham, where a special Sunday lunch on March 11 aims to help Jane Hardisty raise £2,000 from the London Marathon.

Jane, a social work student, is presently with the Stable Lads Welfare Trust. The three course "pre-Cheltenham" lunch will also feature a panel of trainers Ferdy Murphy and Michael Hammond, top jockey Adrian Maguire and professional gambler Patrick Newman all offering advice on the big meeting. Racing Channel presenter Doug Fraser is the host.

The event's at Middleham Key Centre. Tickets are £25 from the Stable Lads Welfare Trust (01969 624123) or Carol Moore, 01969 623823.

THE five Sunderland footballers whose first names have ended with the letter "o" - Backtrack, February 13 - are Marco and Ricardo Gabbiadini, Claudio Marangoni, Julio Arca and (the one everyone forgot) Horatio, otherwise Raich, Carter. Paul Dobson's suggestion of Johno Hare had had to be disqualified.

The reason that Darlington and Carlisle could be relegated together, incidentally, is that Jermaine Darlington and Clarke Carlisle play for the embattled Queens Park Rangers.

Brian Shaw in Shildon invites readers to name the only two current Football League clubs, in membership before the second world war, who have never reached the FA Cup last 16.

We're back in the preliminary rounds again on Tuesday