YOU know that damn great crater in the middle of Murton FC's pitch, so rapidly filling with water that when last mentioned hereabouts it was reckoned akin to Lake Winnipeg?
You know how there's never been a wetter winter since Noah decided to make alternative arrangements?
You know why Murton's game was called off on Saturday? Water shortage.
Whilst the authorities continue to look into the hole, Murton - named by the BBC as the unluckiest club in Britain - are ground sharing up the A19 at Kennek Ryhope, where last week the ground ran dry.
"It's a big turn-off, I reckon Murton are hexed," says Ryhope secretary Rob Jones.
"We had City Council, water board and all sorts running round here and no one could discover what had happened to the water supply. I was half expecting a little man with a forked twig to appear."
Divine intervention came too late. Though the cause of the problem was identified late on Friday afternoon - workmen demolishing a former hospital nearby - it was too late to put right before yesterday. Without showers, or mains water, the match was postponed.
"It's unbelievable that after all that's happened over the past few months there should be a water shortage," says Rob, and Murton chairman Tommy Torrence is starting to feel the drip-drip effect, too.
"Someone up there clearly doesn't like us," says Tom. "You could almost say that it never rains but it pours."
NO matter that she was only reading Garfield when her eye turned inexplicably to the Backtrack column, we have heard - small world - from Julius Caesar's great-grand-something-or-other.
Julius, as we have been saying, played cricket for Surrey and England, went on England's first ever overseas tour - to north America in 1851 - and is reckoned to have cried when required to sleep alone.
"I'd heard talk of him in the family but to be honest I'd begun to wonder if they'd made him up," says Mrs Phyllis Hemsley from Sandhutton, near Thirsk..
Julius, one of the Godalming Caesars, was her grandmother's uncle, may even have been the last of the Caesars when he died, impoverished, at 47.
Thus stirred - "I found it very exciting to read your article" - Mrs Hemsley is anxious to discover more about her famous descendant.
Readers may be able to help. Mrs Hemsley may to turn to Backtrack before Garfield. There may be another Caesarean section shortly.
PIE in the sky and all that, Steve Harland suggests that the outcome of Friday's pork pie final - Darlington 5 Hartlepool 15 - was rigged.
"You and one of your sons are known to be Poolies" he writes, lamenting simultaneously the days when Murray's pies ("absolutely lush") were on the Feethams menu.
It's all a front, anyway. Though editor of the Darlington fanzine Mission Impossible (deceased?), Steve's real passion is for speedway - which offers chance to recall Edward Pye, known perhaps inevitably as Crusty, who helped Middlesbrough to the Northern League speedway title in 1946 and the national second division championship the following season.
Others from that golden age of oil and muck were lads like Tip Mills, Fred "Kid" Curtis and Jack "Cloggy" Gordon.
Steve has just launched a website, Cleveland Parklife, devoted to memories of speedway in the Boro, which ended in 1996 - intheteam.com/clevelandparklife
STILL going the rounds, Ken Marshall plans speedway's first national purpose built training centre at the Barford Raceway near Barnard Castle - and hopes that from April the Barford Foxes will prowl the speedway "Conference", too.
"Speedway's like football, there are a lot of overseas participants but so much talent among the British riders and nowhere for them to train," says Ken, a retired haulage contractor from Ashington.
The original intention to develop the centre at the former greyhound stadium in Spennymoor was aborted after six months negotiations with Sedgefield Borough Council.
Barford, principally a Formula 2 stock car racing circuit, is owned by Cyril Whitfield. "He's been absolutely brilliant, never charged me a penny piece for anything," says Ken.
"If the Conference meetings prove popular, then we'd hope to aim for the premier league. The whole development will put £1m a year into the Teesdale economy."
Stock car racing resumes on Sunday March 4. "People talk of them as bangers but some of these cars cost £16,000-£17,000 to race," says Cyril. "The technology these days is fantastic."
THOUGH vowing to stay well away from the match, a familiar face has offered to help Marske Untied prepare for the biggest game in he club's history.
Eric Henderson, long a Marske resident but a former chairman of Consett FC and a well known referee, was the youngest chairman of the Football League Referees' and Linesmen's Association.
Now he's trying to attract sponsors and advertisers for the FA Carlsberg Vase quarter final against Bedlington on March 3 - but adamant that, unlike most of the rest of the seaside community, he won't be at the match himself.
"I'm a jinx. I've brought them bad luck in the past and I'm not risking it," says Eric. "I'm sure we'll win, but they're not blaming me if they lose."
Sky TV, it's hoped, will be filming the game for its new non-league football programme. Eric's on 01642 472014 and would welcome enquiries. The guy needs a change of fortune.
YOU know, of course - as does Paul Dobson in Bishop Auckland - the only two players with the Christian name Eric to have played for Sunderland? Neither of them is Eric Henderson. The answer at the foot of the column.
DAVID Brightwell, signed by Darlington from Hull City last week, has rather more famous parents.
Remember Robbie Brightwell and Ann Packer, both teachers? He was Britain's team captain in the Tokyo Olympics and won silver in the 4x400m.
She won gold and broke the world record in the 800m and was second in the 400m. They married, and retired, after the Games.
Mind, things were a bit different in 1964. The track and field squad paid for their own training, undertook the 30 hour flight to Tokyo in second class and were denied a share of the facility fee paid by the BBC to show preparations on Peter Dimmock's Sportsview.
"You are amateurs, remember" insisted Jack Crump, secretary of the British Amateur Athletics Board.
Robbie is now 61, recently retired from his fishing tackle business. Ann's 59, still running several times a week, still taking the stairs two at a time. They live, in some style, in Congleton, Cheshire.
Ian and David Brightwell both began their football careers with Manchester City. Gary, the third son, is the one who still runs in the family.
David's a 6ft 3in centre half. "A big lad," confirms John Fieldhouse, the Hull Daily Mail's man at Boothferry Park.
So has he inherited his parents' turn of speed? "Just say," says John, "that speed is the least of his assets."
WHAT of our old friend Aidan Davison, much travelled Squire of Close House and former goalkeeper for Shildon Fox and Hounds?
Aidan's now warming the bench with Bradford City, where recently - it will be recalled - first choice keeper Gary Walsh presented Man United striker Teddy Sheringham with an easy goal after missing his kick.
A week later, City's reserves played United reserves. Same minute, same end, poor Aidan also failed to control a back pass - and United's Michael Stewart stole in to help his team to a 3-2 victory.
FRIDAY's column sought the identity of the only two Football League teams, also in membership before the war, who have never reached the last 16 of the FA Cup. They are Hartlepool, alas, and Torquay United.
Sunderland's only Erics are both comparatively recent - Gates and Roy.
One today for tennis fans from Martin Birtle in Billingham: who were John McEnroe's final opponents on the three occasions that he won Wimbledon?
Serious again in three days from now.
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