EVERYONE was so busy watching the return of wobbly-walled British soap Crossroads this week that an old American favourite slipped back on screens virtually unnoticed.

The return of Knots Landing to Channel 5 was only temporary, in the form of a two-part mini-series, with the uncatchy subtitle Back To The Cul-de-Sac, made in 1996. But the curosity value was high.

Knots Landing was always the poor relation of US soaps - a spin-off from Dallas featuring Gary Ewing, the "alcoholic black sheep" of the Texan oil family.

The shoulder pads were not so wide and the plots were not so outlandish. There was no attempted murder by poisoned wallpaper, no dead people turning up in the shower or characters being abducted by aliens. Just the usual parade of infidelity, adultery, double-dealing, drunkenness, troublesome teenagers, murder, arson and kidnap.

The stories revolved around Gary (who'd remarried Valene, with whom he'd produced poison dwarf Lucy) and his neighbours in a quiet Californian cul-de-sac. The setting was not unlike Neighbours but with more lip gloss.

The series disappeared silently from our screens sometime in the 1980s after being relegated to an afternoon slot by BBC1. It never achieved the massive audiences of Dallas or Dynasty but, like Jane Wyman-led wine dynasty soap Falcon Crest, was often much more watchable than its bigger brothers.

The update promised "more tales of infidelity, betrayal, financial upheavals and errant children". The problem was it proved difficult to concentrate on the plot because I was too busy examining the faces of the performers. Age has not been kind to them all, a fact rubbed in by the credit sequences showing the actors then and now. The mini-series resembled several things - an animated catalogue displaying the services available through plastic surgery, a guide to bad wigs and a hymn to the multitude of sins that layers (and layers and layers) of make-up can conceal.

Even the cheeky C5 continuity announcer made naughty comments about these matters, informing us that a forthcoming programme was about plastic surgery. "Just thought you'd like to know," she said.

Valene looked like a different woman. Well, several different women, as if someone had put her face together from a photofit kit. A large wire pan scourer seemed to have attached itself to Mack MacKenzie's head. Either that or a family of grey squirrels were nesting there. Unlike Crossroads, where the motel has been given a make-over to become a four-star hotel, the new Knots Landing didn't tamper with the original and made no attempt to put a more contemporary spin on matters.

It says much for their employment prospects that many of the original cast were ready, willing and available to re-assemble for the sequel.

Most didn't exactly go on to bigger and better things when the series ended. William Devane has worked consistently in films and Ted Shackleton, who played Gary, turned up in the British-made series Space Precinct, Thunderbirds creator Gerry Anderson's failed attempt at a live action space series. The others were consigned to TV movie hell.

Taking any of this Back To The Cul-de-Sac nonsense seriously was difficult enough without the added hilarity of an appearance of Lieutenant Gruber from 'Allo 'Allo. Actor Guy Siner, who played the comic Nazi in the BBC comedy series, had swapped military uniform for designer suit but somehow you expected him to raise his arm, give the Nazi salute and goose step his way out of the room.

GOOD to see that the unnecessary remake of Get Carter, which moved the setting from Tyneside to Seattle, has received its comeuppance in the 21st Annual Golden Raspberry Award nominations.

The Razzies are the prizes handed out annually around Oscar-time for the worst films and performers in the movies. While the new Get Carter missed a worst picture nomination, it earned star Sylvester Stallone a worst actor nod. He plays a Las Vegas mob enforcer who goes home to Seattle for his brother's funeral and realises his death wasn't accidental. Although locale has been changed, the plot follows closely that of the original 1970 film.

The new version has also received a Razzie nomination in the worst remake or sequel category where competition comes from Blair Witch 2, The Grinch, The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas and Mission: Impossible 2. The most nominated film is the sci-fi adventure Battlefield Earth which starred John Travolta as a 7ft alien with dreadlocks. That has collected eight Razzie nominations for worst picture, actor, screen couple, two supporting actors, supporting actress, director and screenplay.

Get Carter had a budget of $40 million but took a meagre $15 million at the US box office, a result that caused distributors to hold back on a UK release. The film may even go straight to video. Perhaps the producers will learn the lesson that it doesn't pays to tamper with classic movies.