THIS weekend, many of us will be putting up our Christmas trees, but what will yours say about you?

Fake fir: "Of course, you can hardly see the difference,'' you tell friends, but they're not convinced. You are sensible, prudent and practical. You don't want to waste time vacuuming up pine needles and you're saving money using the same tree every year. You need more adventure in your life. (Types: Gordon Brown, Ken Barlow, Anne Widdecombe.)

Funky: A synthetic silver, 1970s-style tree covered in glitzy, garish decorations, with an over-dressed musical fairy on top. You are being ironic, witty and modern, although most of your neighbours just don't get it. (Madonna, Bubbles in Absolutely Fabulous, Jonathon Ross.)

Flash: Your tree is the same as the Funky but you are not being ironic or witty - just tasteless. (Sunday Sport owner David Sullivan, Ivana Trump, Pat Butcher, Cilla Black, Del Boy.)

Show off: Tall and impressive, this tree should really be in the middle of a market square. Decorated with baubles from Harrods, a stack of beautifully wrapped presents (one in the shape of a car) underneath. Every year, it gets bigger and better - where's it going to stop? (Posh Spice and David Beckham, Elton John.)

Having a laugh: You can't see your tree for the flashing coloured lights and fake snow. You also have an illuminated reindeer on your lawn and an inflatable Santa on your roof. You're a big kid at heart, love playing practical jokes and can't understand why all your neighbours are so boring and reserved. (John Prescott, Paul Gascoigne, Jim Davidson.)

Frosty style: Your tree is a mass of bare willow branches sprayed white. It is hung with just a few glass icicles, an exercise in studied restraint. The rest of your home is white and minimalist and would be perfect if only people didn't have to live in it. You find it difficult to get into the spirit of Christmas but long to do something totally crazy, like hanging a bit of tinsel above the fireplace. (Vogue editor Anna Wintour, design guru Stephen Bayley.)

A charming mess: These decorations look as if they have been flung together in ten minutes, outside during a hurricane. There are lots of bare patches, with the rest swamped in chaotic tinsel, paper chains and chocolate decorations, with bites taken out. Plastic footballers dangle from some of the branches and you may even find a Barbie doll or Bob the Builder hanging from the top. (Anne Diamond, Gary Lineker, anyone with children under ten years old.)

Just perfect: You are a control freak who, despite the rest of the family's protestations, has banned coloured lights (too gaudy) and tinsel (tacky). Your tree is colour co-ordinated (purple and silver this year) with tiny white lights and every decoration hung in precisely the correct place. You have a low tolerance of others' views and people rarely disagree with you. (Anne Robinson, Cruella de Vil.)

Home crafty: You baked the heart and star-shaped biscuit decorations yourself. You gathered everything else - holly, berries, pines cones and twigs - from the woods and fields. You also make your own cards and hand-printed wrapping paper. Could you have too much time on your hands? (Nigella Lawson, Delia Smith.)

SO cleaning out a Patagonian toilet is supposed to give Prince William a taste of what life is like for ordinary blokes. But how many ordinary blokes do you know who've ever cleaned a toilet?

NORTH Yorkshire shepherd Brian Thornborrow has won a top industry award after revealing he knows all his 600 sheep by name, and knows their mothers' and grandmothers' names too. Ever felt someone's pulling the wool over your eyes?

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