I'M SITTING listening to the bells of Old Bailey as I set out my predictions for the New Year.

January: Tony Blair in a keynote speech for 2001 claims that his promise to "modernise" the country has now been completely fulfilled. As he speaks, Great North Eastern Railways announce the opening of an overnight sleeper service from Darlington to Durham. National crisis conference on global warming cancelled because of ten feet snow drifts.

February: Education White Paper proposes the abolition of all teaching in schools because it is alleged to be "elitist". The Secretary of State for Education says: "To prefer knowledge to ignorance is to victimise stupidity and this is deeply offensive to the Thick Community." World record longest train journey. Three weeks, two days, 14 hours, ten minutes - Gateshead to Newcastle. Average rail speeds now back to what they were in 1832.

March: The first "no smoking" beach opened by Health Minister north of Whitby. As the final move in the war on "homophobia", homosexuality is made compulsory. Mass emigration follows. Church of England's liturgy (Common Worship), introduced December AD 2000 is officially declared out of date by Synodical spokesperson.

April: Equality Act makes illegal the use of thousands of "sexist" and "racist" words. The Secretary of State for Propaganda and Culture says: "The use of disgraceful and disgusting words such as 'manhole cover' must end and be replaced by 'personhole cover'." Riots break out west of the Pennines when supporters are forced to refer to 'Personchester United'. British bridge championships collapse when the suit of spades is abolished. Prime Minister publishes Easter card picturing Cherie and Leo watching awestruck as Tony rises from the tomb.

May: General Election dead heat. Ballot boxes sent to America for 53 recounts. Al Gore declared Prime Minister. Blair, Brown, Cook, Mandelson and Campbell emigrate.

June: The Queen celebrates her Golden Jubilee with a spot of illegal foxhunting. Harriet Harman, Margaret Beckett and other members of Al Gore's Star Chamber propose sending Her Majesty to the Tower. But this proves impracticable when it is discovered no form of transport now moves in London. Queen made to apologise for her coronation in 1953.

July & August: These months are cancelled as a way of combatting global warming.

September: Homophobia Awareness lessons introduced in pre-school playgroups. Royal motto "Honi soit qui mal y pense" replaced by the slogan "We are all guilty". As a result of the introduction of the European Human Rights Convention, nine of ten of all employed people in Britain are now lawyers.

October: The one person still working as a farmer in England is prosecuted for trying to prevent members of the Rambling Vandals Association building a mile high pile of drinks cans and chocolate wrappers in his cornfield.

November: Thousands of war heroes are made to march up Whitehall to the Cenotaph and apologise to descendants of the Nazis for winning the war. Culture and Propaganda Ministry bans all adjectives as "discriminatory".

December: Record number of Christmas shoppers counselled for post-traumatic stress disorder. Father Christmas renamed Ms Holiday. John Prescott's greetings card says, "You hope happy very like we have might of season."